The Wheel and The Rock.

Oh, Samantha, have you lost your mind? The wheel and the rock? What are you getting at? Well, it's that season everyone. The season when it seems like everyone is getting into a relationship. Left and right I see and hear things. "Did you hear that so-and-so is dating what's-her-face?" "I didn't know they were together. When did that happen?" Or you see a couple holding hands. How is there a wheel and a rock involved?
Well, I have seven close girl friends. Four of them have boyfriends. One has a fiance. One is married. And then there's me. Naturally, they all want to spend time with their men, and I don't blame them, but that leaves me to being a wheel if we all hang out.
I don't mind it. I really don't, I very much approve of all their men. They are all incredible men, and they are all perfect for my friends, and I wouldn't have it any other way for them! But sometimes it gets awkward. I can't go everywhere with them. I can't go on group dates. I just can't go and be with them all the time when they all hang out. But how does a rock come into play? Well, it's not a small rock like in someone's front yard. It's a big rock. Like a small boulder. It crushes me...
It's my crush.

Let me tell you about my crush: he's the sweetest guy in the whole world. He makes me smile when I think about him. He gives me butterflies when I see him or think about the last time I saw him. He's hilarious. He works hard and it shows. Everyone gets along with him. He looks excellent in green. I've been told he's very strong in the gospel. He doesn't make me feel like an idiot when I make a mistake or don't know how to do something. He's simple... I like simple.
But then I wonder, if I like him so much, and try to get his attention so much, and invite him to places all the time, why doesn't he come? Why doesn't he respond to anything? Is it something about me? Does he not think I'm pretty or smart? I can be smart. I can try to make myself look beautiful. I want him to look at me and think I'm the prettiest girl in the world. I want him to think of me. I want to be on his mind. I want him to think the same things about me. I want him. I can't express how much I like him or how much I want him. When I was completely sure of one thing, he walks in my life and makes me think, "do I really want that?" I've never been so completely stressed out by a guy before in my life. It's so funny. When literally every other aspect of my life is stress free, this makes up for it. It's gotten so bad some nights I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't do anything because all that I can think about is him.

Well, here's to you, sir. You're the reason my sanity has left me this time.

Time to grow up!

Have you ever wondered, 'when will I be a grown up?'

Is it when you graduate high school? Is it when you start going to college? Is it after you graduate college, have your career, and are paying all your own bills? Is it when you're going to college, living on your own, paying your own bills? Is it when you live on your own in general? Is there an actual age? When are you not just an adult by law, but in your own mind?

Since the beginning of October, this has been the only real thing on my mind. Am I an adult now? I'm 20 years old, and I want the world to see me as an adult. What would I have to do for people who always saw me as a child see me as the adult I was and still am becoming? 

Well, I had the month of October to figure it all out. Being an adult is not always what you think it is when you're so sheltered and given everything you need to survive. It's not glamorous. It's all about hard work, dedication, and never giving up. You can't just give up and be a kid again! You can't just call into work when you don't want to go in and tell them you're not showing up. You can't just do whatever you want. Sure, you can, but there's consequences. You call into work, tell them you're not coming, that's a day's pay you're not getting, and you can lose your job from it. You don't pay rent, you'll get eviction notices. Don't pay your phone bill? It'll get shut off. Sure, I haven't and don't plan on not going into work, just because I don't feel like it. (Sure, I'm lucky I freaking love my job.) I paid my bills. It freaking sucks when you get your pay check and you have to give up almost all of it for rent and then other various things. 

But it's not all bad. 

There's freedom! You get to do what you want, when you have time, and you can do it exactly how you want. You can eat what you want, sleep when you want, do what you want. You don't have to clean your room. You don't have to do anything you really don't want to. 

I've never been more grateful for my dad and the rules he's given me. I like having a curfew. I like having to keep things clean. My parents giving me a bed time was just a way for preparing me. Sure, staying up late can be "fun", but sleep is important. My parents giving me a curfew was just their way of loving me and keeping me safe. My parents wanting me to keep my room and bathroom clean was just preparing me for when I live on my own so I don't live in a mess. You take these life lessons for granted when you don't have to use them.

So, what do I want to be when I grow up? What are my plans? Will I want the same thing in a year? 6 months? A day? Am I going to want the same things for myself? I ask myself these questions every day. I think, what if I were to start having kids before I get my degree. Will I be able to handle all the emotions of having my own family, raising children, and then working for Child Protective Services on top of that? Will I be able to give my children the love and attention that they need, but still love and care for these kids that will need me? Or will I just keep my job at Dick's Sporting Goods forever and not pursue something I've wanted for so long because I'm scared?

I love my job, don't get me wrong. It's a really good fit for me, and I love my co-workers, and all my managers and CSS's are really great and helpful! I was born to work at Dick's and sell balls (heh) and be obnoxious on my radio whenever someone has a call or I need help with something new that I've never done before. But I honestly love my job. Working for a sporting goods store is really good for me, and I love sports more than I ever have. I can even tolerate watching sports on tv now without complaining because I want to play.

Growing up takes time. You can't grow up in a minute, hour, day, or even month, really. I'm definitely growing up and getting more mature with all my new experiences in life. I don't stay up until 4 am blogging. (weird) and I don't stay out until 3 am with friends anymore. Sure, some nights I want to, but when you have work the next morning and you know you're going to be up on your feet, dealing with sometimes mean customers, it's not the greatest idea. It's all about doing the right thing. That's what growing up is.

Confessions of insecurities. Fake it until you make it.

I try not to let it get me. That little green monster inside of my head. The one that whispers hateful words and attacks what I try not to think about. I am insecure, even though a lot of times I try putting on my confidence mask. I feel like I'll never be good enough to be friends with people. I feel like I'm not pretty and I'm too fat to be seen with pretty and skinny people in public.

Every girl, even if they're a size 4 and are gorgeous, thinks the exact same way as me, even if I don't think that they should. It hurts me when they say they're ugly and fat, when I look in the mirror and see nothing but ugly features and a fat body. If they see themselves the same way, then what the hell does that make me? Do they keep me around because I make them feel better about themselves? Sometimes it feels exactly like that. Like I'm the friend they call when they need an ego boost. I know that it's not true, but that little green monster always whispers things like that in my ear.

I think that's why I like giving compliments. In my head, when I give someone else a compliment, their little green monster fades. But sometimes, I feel like I could be doing the opposite, because in my head, the monster gets bigger and tells me that they're lying. That's why I don't like getting them, because then it stays in the back of my mind. I have a reason for thinking like this. I had a friend when I was in seventh and eighth grade. Her name was Heather. She would lie to me, giving me "compliments" and kept me around to make herself feel better. When she had prettier, skinnier friends around, she would ditch me and say she didn't like me or want to be my friend. I didn't have any real friends in middle school. I was the stereotypical awkward girl who had no friends and ate lunch alone, sat in class alone, did projects alone, and when someone was nice to me, it was because they felt bad for me, and it was completely fake, and when Heather was around, it was nice to have someone there to talk to. It felt nice to feel normal and like I was important to someone.

Everybody has insecurities. I have plenty. I'm insecure about my voice, my weight, my looks, my personality. I'm insecure about everything, really. I wake up every morning, and I just have to try to be confident. I fake it until I make it. That's the only think you can do.

I know that nobody is perfect, and that we will all see flaws in ourselves, but we need to love ourselves, too. If you don't love yourself, then who would love you? (Even though that sounds so horrible.)

It's time to fake it until you make it. It's time to start loving ourselves. It's time to push that green monster out of our heads. It's time to fight against our insecurities and be truly confident. It's time to be beautiful.

Just another unnecessary blog post.

Right now, I have so many things on my mind, and it's driving me crazy, so I'm going to start out how I just watched the third installment of The Chronicles of Narnia, and I always end up crying at the end when Aslan tells Lucy and Edmund that they can never come back to Narnia. I understand that their place isn't in Narnia, it's in the real world, but they're the High King and Queen of effing Narnia! But I'm excited for The Silver Chair, if they're going to film it.

Next is: I've been biting my tongue, but I'm super annoyed with facebook. First they ruin chat for me. I had everyone that didn't annoy me in their own chat group that was always on, then people who were a bad influence on my life, but I still wanted to be friends with in a different group that I would turn on once in a while, then the people I've met through the singles ward which was usually on, and then people I couldn't stand, had blocked from my feed, and forgot about in a group I kept hidden and off. Then they do this stupid subscription crap, and now with their new newsfeed, I'm just annoyed. I'll get used to it. It's really not a big deal, because I stopped using facebook a lot after they corrupted chat, but it goes along with the quote: "If it's not broke, don't fix it." /endrant.

I've been meaning to blog about this for a while, but I keep forgetting. So for my final in english spring semester, my teacher didn't believe in final exams, so we wrote a paper, and she was still required to grade us on something else, so we had to put together a mini-lesson about a song that happened to be important to us, and my name got drawn to go on the first day to present. Naturally, a song had come to mind right away - "Gravity" by Sara Bareilles. I've had past experiences that made me think of this song, and I don't think there's a person out there who knows how important and what a large place it holds in my heart.

So, as I walk up, and prepare to youtube my song so everyone could hear it, I asked my professor if I could sing it as well. I can count on one hand the solos I've sang in my life, the last one being when I was probably 17. Despite being in choir for years and years, I had never been "good" enough for a solo, and not to toot my own horn, but I was usually better than the soloist. But it was never my decision, and as I watched my classmates and friends get solos, I was happy for them, because I knew I would probably be too nervous to sing a solo since I'm terrible at public speaking. Anyway: my professor said that I could sing it, and she seemed a little uneasy about it. I explained my song, and why I wanted to sing the first 90 seconds. I got lost in it while I was singing, and I ended up singing the whole song. Then something happened that I wasn't expecting. I got applause. They were clapping for me(at 9:45 in the morning). My professor told me that was the most unorthodox lessons she's ever had, but one of the best live performances she had ever heard. I remember walking out of the class as soon as I could and crying. Singing that song was not only me having the courage to sing in front of people, but it was me having the courage to sing a song that meant so much to me because of my experiences. I was so happy and proud of myself. It meant so much to me to be able to do that.

But now that I think about it, that song doesn't always have to be referring to a bad relationship between a boyfriend and a girlfriend, but between friends. There's those friends that are addicting in a bad way. They're good people, but not good people for you. Lately, I feel like I have one of those in my life. I really don't want to talk about this friend and their decisions, but their actions and decisions have helped me realize who my true friends are. The real people that I can always go to when I need them.

I think that this is why I really don't like girls. Some of them think with romance rather than with love. They will be the girls to throw you under a bus for not just a guy, but for them. They want the now comfort of a boy whether he's a nice guy or a tool, because it makes them feel better to have a boyfriend, rather than girls who would drop everything for you.

Speaking about boyfriends: I'm not kidding. Everyone is getting into relationships, getting engaged, or getting married. It's almost disgusting. I thought about it, and I only have 4 close friends not in relationships. Sure, I have a few other friends that aren't, but it seems like everyone is dating someone now! (and I'm SO happy for all of them!!!) It just reminds me that I'm forever alone. And that's okay, because I know that Heavenly Father loves me♥

It's funny how I can go from talking about Narnia to how everyone has caught the love bug, but there's seriously either a new relationship or engagement twice a week. And I'm tired about talking about relationships on my blog, because I miss posting funny story blogs. I feel like I've lost my funny mojo. I feel like the funniest story I can tell is how Erin and I act when we're just being real, and it's just us, and we let go of trying to be normal and that's not appropriate for my blog. At all. Those stories are kept in private because they're straight up embarrassing...but I miss being able to be funny on my blog instead of write about boys and what I want. In due time the funny blogs will come back!

A very long blog post that is very unnecessary.

Ten things about me that you probably didn't know:

1. I'm obsessed with anything from the 50's and 60's. I like old things. I like old dresses, books, songs, stories, telephones, radios, movies, newspapers, jewelry, and pictures. 
2. I hate wearing shoes. I wish that society accepted that I would rather do everything barefoot. I mean, I drive barefoot, play (some) sports barefoot, walk around outside barefoot, sit in the library barefoot. I love looking at shoes, but would rather just be barefoot.
3. I don't like most candy. I hate gummy candy unless it's sour patch kids or something of that variety. I like chocolate sometimes. I'm picky. I would rather have something salty or cheesy. 
4. I don't like The Twilight Saga. I did when I was in high school. I read it before it was cool to read it. I liked it until I was very disappointed with the first film, then I re read the series during the 2010 summer and realized the following: Edward is creepy, Bella is a horrible rolemodel, and Stephenie made Jacob and Edward pedophiles. 
5. I don't like being mean, and apparently, when I'm telling my dog she's being bad and that she's naughty, I sound too happy and that I don't have a mean voice, meaning I will never be able to discipline my children. They're going to laugh at me and tell me, "Shut up, mom."
6. Divorce will never be an option for me in my marriage. The statistics on marriage are very heartbreaking,  1 in 2 end in divorce. The 6% LDS divorce rate helps, but it still isn't an option. My parents are divorced, and so are my mom's parents. Divorce literally destroyed mine and my mothers relationship. I won't do that to my children or anybody. Nobody deserves to have to go through the pain that a divorce causes. 
7. I really like models. I don't know why. I just do. I have a few favorite models, actually. Abbey Lee Kershaw is one. She's from Australia, and is all sorts of beautiful. But lately she's looking sick/anorexic. :(
8. I get asked "why are you still single" and "why aren't you married yet" a lot. I mean... seriously? I'm just 20 years old.
   I was in an off and on relationship for almost 2 and a half years. I had been in an 8 month relationship before that. I'm still learning about myself and what I want in an Eternal Companion. 
9. I've been told I have guts. I'm not afraid to do something crazy, but if it comes to a certain guy, I will be scared of them and will freeze up. I can talk to anyone normally, but you know I have true feelings for you if I can't even look at you. 
10. I want to work for Child Protective Services after graduation. 

So, now that you know some new facts about me that you probably wouldn't have gotten from stalking my facebook, here's a Samantha life update:

Coming back home from one of the best weekends of my life left me confused, in a haze, and writing in my notebook like a mad person. I'm 20 years old, and I would like to be a few years older or at least act like it. I want to have more goals than just "get my degree". Lately, I've been contemplating out of my fathers house. I love him and my family, but I want to start being me and preparing to have my own family rather than being treated like a child in a family when I want to be treated like an adult. I don't want to ask if I can stay out on a weekend night. I don't want to have to ask to go out of town with friends. That seems a bit ridiculous for a 20 year old, doesn't it? 

After listening to a voicemail from a relative (wishing me happy birthday), I was making more lists. In the voicemail, they asked me, "Sami Sue, are you dating? Do you have a boyfriend? Are you going to get engaged? I'm sure that a pretty, funny girl like you has to have caught some RM's eye." I can not make this up. Any of my normal, sane friends family members would have ended it at dating, and even if they did go on, they probably wouldn't have referred to a boy as a return missionary. How do I call this family member back and go, "Oh, no, I mean, I have been dating since I transferred my records, but I don't have a boyfriend, family member. I'm probably not getting engaged in the near future, and I'm not that pretty or funny. I'm sorry if you were in the mood to go to a wedding reception or wait outside the temple and take pictures while you wait, probably in the Las Vegas heat. In fact, I think I'm one of those girls who gets married in Heaven. One of my favorite camp leaders hasn't been married, and she's one of the prettiest, funniest people I've met. She's doing great and I love her to pieces. Just because I'm a young, LDS single adult doesn't mean I'm getting married next week, family member. I haven't really caught anybody's eye. A lot of guys look for the pretty, skinny girls, in case you didn't know that, and I'm neither, so I'm always just going to be friends with any guy I meet, basically." But that would be rude, and I'm trying to do this new thing where I'm not rude to people who love me. Even though I'd be telling them the truth. So I'll probably just end up saying (and pray that they don't read this) "Oh, I've went out a few guys. I have a lot of new friends that are return missionaries, but I haven't really caught anyone's eye, yet. I'll let you know when I do."  And I'll completely ignore the fact that they're fooled into thinking that I'm pretty and funny. I'm not going to tell them about the guy who tried to kiss me after one date and then asked other girls to go hot tubing with him, and then after being with a girl for a month, break up with her and ask me on a date the same night. I'm definitely going to tell them about the most awkward first date I ever went on because of my nerves and how I still like the guy a lot, even though he's not available for me to like and I feel bad that I do. I like the boy a lot, blog readers. I thought I didn't, but I do. I mean, I didn't even like him until after he asked me on a date. It was obvious that I did like him, and I hate that I got so nervous. My friends that I trust most and told them about this say that they could see us together, and I don't want them to think that. I don't want to like you. I don't want to be that girl who has this huge crush on a guy who has a girlfriend. I mean, it could kind of end up like 16 Candles where Josh hates his girlfriend and how big of a skanky whore she is, and run off to Samantha and be waiting for her outside of the church at her sister's wedding. Now, of course I don't have a sister getting married, my grandparents don't have a chinese exchange student named Long Duck Dong, I'm not 16 and in high school, my parents did not forget my birthday, his girlfriend (from what I can creep) is not a skanky whore(and I don't think he has low standards), and I don't have a weird freshman obsessed with me asking for my underwear that I know of. My life isn't a John Hughes movie, the Rat Pack isn't in it, Molly and John aren't in it, and I don't have a cute, romantic, heart warming ending. If anything, my life is one of the parody movies based off of a John Hughes, or really any teen, movie, and I'm the weird extra that they make to weird crap in the background, that even though it's hilarious, nobody ever sees because they're focused on what they're focused to be focusing on, and if they do notice, I become a weird facebook fan page that everyone makes fun of.

I think that the worst part about all of this is, he's not the only guy I think I like. I think I like two others, and that makes me feel really bad. I would rather only really like one guy, and then think a bunch of other guys are good looking than like 3 guys and think someone else is good looking. And the part that's even worse is I know that I have no chance with any of them. 

I know that my Heavenly Father has a plan for me. I'm probably not the right place for my future husband or vice versa. I'm terrified of marriage. I don't think I'm ready. It's not the commitment, I can do commitments, it's the fear of not being able to be enough of a grown up for them. I see friends of mine get married and I'm amazed at how they do it. How they can transition into married life so quickly and be so happy. Their engagement is always so short. I want my engagement to be longer than 5 months. It just doesn't seem normal to me to be engaged for 2 months. 2 months is really realistic when you think about it. Satan will do everything to bring you into temptation as soon as the ring hits your finger so you don't make it to the temple. He is so jealous that can't stand two people making the commitment to become one in the temple, and sealed for time and all eternity because he can not have what we have. We are so lucky to live in a day and age where it is possible to do this. I'm so excited for the day I can meet my brothers and sisters in Heaven, and when they ask who was/were my prophet(s), I get to say Gordon B. Hinkley and Thomas S. Monson were my prophets. We were saved for this time, and we all accepted the plans that God has for us. We're living the plans we accepted every day. Some of us will have harder plans than others, but that's because our Father in Heaven KNEW that we could handle it.

Some of us will have a hard time getting married. A lot of girls blame the guys. Well, they feel the same way. I don't feel so alone when it comes to this anymore. In fact, reading a note on facebook called  "The rants of a young disgruntled white mormon" I came to realize that guys feel the exact same way that I do! Turns out that they think all the girls fall for douche bags, and we think all the guys fall for, well, skanks. (And if you think my language is harsh, you know that all us girls think that in our heads. And I apologize if anyone thinks I'm talking about them. I promise I'm not!)

In this day and age, dating is weird. Myself and my best friend Erin talked about this with our Bishop (Who is the best bishop EVER) earlier this evening, and he doesn't really like it either. It was so easy to talk about it though. Not a lot of dates actually happen and the church doesn't really like it.

Girls don't really like it either. We LIKE going on dates. The best dates are the most simple ones where all you do is talk and have fun. Like getting some ice cream and walking around a nice area and talk. The best dates are simple and cheap. We don't like you blowing your money on us, especially on a first, second, or third date (if it gets that far). My least favorite date was mini golfing and a movie. It was SO nice of him to plan it like that, but I hate movie dates. They're stupid! The point of a date when you're just beginning to date is get to know them, not try to hold their hand in a dark movie theater with a scary movie playing. (Get serious. UGH.) But my favorite date was with a guy I had sat next to in a class all semester long, at Neilson's just talking about what we wanted to do with our lives. (But if we're nervous we don't talk.)

The date that I had expected the most out of was one of the most awkward first dates I've ever had. I was excited. This guy was new to me. I had met him a few times at soccer, and at a few parties and my game night, and we were going to go on a date. Naturally, I was nervous. Well, we had to reschedule twice, and finally, almost 2 weeks later, it was the day. I had finished my english paper hours earlier, and we were going. I couldn't function. My brain had stopped. I could hardly say a full sentence without feeling like a moron. Luckily, it's all in the past, and I'm still friends with this guy, and I'm glad it worked out the way that it did. You can't ever have too many friends (with super nice cars they just bought that make me want to drool. Oh, yes, I'm talking about you and your silver beamer.) not that I'm using you for my dream car. You're an awesome person, sir. :)

Now, I am bringing this long, unnecessary blog post to a close.
Life rocks. I love everything. I'm getting my Patriarchal Blessing soon. That's cool. I'm obsessed with Australia and hope to live there soon for nanny work. I have awesome friends and an awesome ward. I love other wards and their awesome people too and all the cool new people I met last weekend. (Another blog for another day.)

If you read all of this, you deserve a freaking medal. It took me two days to write. You are a champion.
xoxo- Samantha. 

Raid is my very best friend.

Hello blog readers! It is story time! So, when I was about 11 or 12 years old, around this time, actually, I woke up to my bathroom being attacked by ants. There were hundreds of them! I would kill them, and they would multiply. I remember sitting on my bathroom floor sobbing because I couldn't kill them all with Lysol disinfectant spray. But finally, they all died. Dead. I was happy, I could relax and read (which is all I did at this age) and just hang out in my room.

Well, back when I was that age, I didn't have my hate for ants like I do now. And let me tell you why. Though, yes, my bathroom was just attacked, and yes, my kitchen had been attacked a week earlier, I would just clean them up with bleach and be good. I was never paranoid about them like I am now. Why am I paranoid about ants? WELL:

These little demons leave a scent. The ones that you get in your house are called scavengers. After they leave their scent, they're letting their clans (which consist of thousands and are usually under your house) know that it's alright to come inside and be free. This happened to my bedroom.

The same day as my bathroom attack, I was laying on my floor reading when I saw one single, solitary ant in my carpet. I killed it, vacuumed my room in attempt to get rid of any and all ants. It didn't seem like there were any more, so I left it alone. We went out to dinner that night, and when I came home they. were. everywhere. I went nuts. I was sobbing again, and I grabbed my bottle of windex from my bathroom, and went after the place they were all the most, under my bed (where I had neat piles of books, magazines, etc.) and sprayed windex everywhere, ruining books and magazines.

Well, I dad heard me crying, which honestly was an occurring act because I was so freaking lame and awkward in middle school. Anyways, he came up in my room, saw a few ants crawling up and down my walls, and me laying on the floor next to my bed crying. Next thing I knew he was gone and in his truck, and came up 10 minutes later with 2 cans of raid, taking a can and spraying my walls and under my bed with it, killing every single ant in there, and then helped me clean my walls of their dead scrunched up bodies.

Well, before last summer, we hadn't had any attack like our kitchen attack (which I didn't go into full detail about, but they got in everything and in all our food basically) and my bedroom/bathroom fiasco. Then our kitchen kept on getting attacked. I'd wake up in the morning, and there'd be ants everywhere. I'd kill them and 2 days later they'd be back. So I'd scrub everything with bleach and it wouldn't do anything. Then my bathroom got attacked. It wasn't as bad as years before. Less than 50, and I sprayed every surface with raid, but the first thing I did after was spray my door way to make it impossible for them to migrate into my bedroom.

WELL, surprise surprise, the ants are back to their same tricks this summer. I cleaned my kitchen after their first attack. I cleaned my guest bathroom after their second attack. I cleaned my bathroom after their third attack. NOW. TODAY. What do I find on my computer and wall? 3 ANTS. WHY? Why must they drive me crazy?

Well, now seems like a good time to rearrange my room and kill all the hiding demon seed in my room.

10 dates any girl will LOVE!

Having date trouble? Money issues? Confidence issues? Feel a spark and want to go on a date? Here you go:

1. Go to IKEA.
   Sure, this only works if you live in a city that has Ikea, because Lost Vagueus doesn't, but yeah, I definitely ripped this off from (500) Days of Summer, which is my favorite movie. I just find it fun and carefree to run around their set displays and play around with your date. (RC Willey will also suffice) (especially on free hot dog day.)
2. Fly a kite!
   It's an easy way to run around and flirt with your date. You can hold on to them while holding onto the kite, and do something that everyone can enjoy! Seriously, who DOESN'T like kites?! Plus you can have a picnic afterwards and be all summer-y and nice. 
3. This one isn't free, but it's definitely romantic: for $20 dollars per person, you can take a horse drawn carriage ride at Mt Charleston during the winter. Snow! Cute! Photo op! For 20 bucks a pop, it's definitely worth it!
4. With the right company, watching the airplanes with hot chocolate.
   On Sunset, there's the airplane watching parking lot, and you can watch the planes take off and land. It's a nice get away. Bring along a good playlist.
5. Going to the desert and lighting off fireworks
   Get the illegal ones, not the baby ones.
6. Ride Rollercoasters!
   There's Primm, Circus Circus, and the Stratosphere! Sure, it's not all that cheap, but fun, especially if you're a rollercoaster person. (HINT: I am.)
7. Know anyone with a convertible?
   Split gas money and drive to Red Rock or even Lake Mead. 
8. I always wanted to go down the zipline that's at Freemont Street! (Another hint)
9. Ride the Carousel at the District and walk around at night with some fro-yo! 
10. And RED BOX MOVIE NIGHT! <3
    You each pick a movie or two and make smoothies or something else delicious to drink or eat while you watch your movies, then decide which one was the worst and laugh about it!

The Day That I

The First Day That I

• Watched The Ring

Now, in a previous blog post (this one, it's good, you should read it) I mentioned my fear of the smashing 2002 blockbuster horror film, The Ring (And I want you to know, even IMAGES of Samara Morgan FREAK ME OUT, and the wikipedia page wasn't loading, and the stupid first 5 google images for The Ring were all of her, and for a good minute, I was staring at my screen in horror, and I'm blogging at almost 3 am in my dark room, and I'm scared to look anywhere by my laptop, in fear that she is, indeed, in my room, staring at me). 8/9ish years ago, almost to the day, maybe, I watched The Ring for the first time. I had been begging my mom for 3 months to let me watch it. I had always been fascinated by the horror genre of movies. I don't know why. I mean, sure, it was probably to protect my 11, almost 12 year old mind from the nightmares I would receive, but I did not give an eff. I wanted to watch that stupid movie. SO, my friends Andrea, Heather (also known as boyfriend stealing whore), and I went to Hollywood Video (RIP) with Andrea's mom, because none of us were 13 and could not rent a PG-13 rated movie. 

I'm not going to tell you all the ins and outs of the movie. I'm 104% positive everyone who reads my blog (besides Erin) has seen the movie. SO, after I got home after the movie was over, I got in bed, and knew I wasn't going to be sleeping that night, so I armed myself with my light, gameboy color, my plug in the wall gameboy color charger, my favorite gameboy games, plenty of happy happy la la land books, and probably only got 2 hours of off and on sleep every night for a week, and would take naps on the couch in front of my mom during the day time. 

I basically thought that some crazy bratty psycho biotch was going to crawl out of my tv in my loft and eat my heart and brain and make my skin all nasty and I was going to die. Dying < Living.

So, even though I was 104% sure I was going to die even 2 months later, I was still OBSESSED with scary movies. I didn't know what it was, but I always wanted to watch them. I would watch trailers over and over in hopes of one day watching that movie. Then, my parents got Cox Digital Cable. I could browse channels by genre. I would always read the info about scary movies. ALWAYS. And if they were on the movie channels we paid for, I could even watch them! 

The first movie I got to indulge in was The Hills Have Eyes. I was home alone, a freshman in high school, with no car or way of getting anywhere if I was too scared to be home alone at night, but then the impossible happened. I watched the whole movie without getting scared. 

Since then I have watched countless scary movies and have not been scared, (besides the Nightmare on Elm Street series, which I refuse to have linked on my blog) I've even watched The Exorcist and wasn't scared. I've laughed at scary movies when people die, as messed up as that sounds. 

• The day in 2011 that I watched The Ring

I'd like to say that I'm pretty BA for watching it again, but I'm not. I'm a scardy cat. I have to turn the television off during any and all video tap parts and that stupid phone call from the brat herself. It. Freaks. Me. Out. I have NO idea why. I had a scary movie day this week where I watched The Crazies, TWO George A. Romero (the Zombie LEGEND) zombie films (who also directed The Crazies), AND Devil, and didn't get scared. Try to watch The Ring, NOPE. I AM A GONER. I couldn't do it. It got to me. I won't be able to ever watch the sequel, which I haven't ever watched, and there's supposed to be a freaking third one coming out. And it's supposed to be in 3D. I mean, I wouldn't hate going on a date with a cute boy to hold their hand and freak out with. 

But yes. That is it. I hate the movie. With a passion. I hate how it gets under my skin, and is one of the only scary movies to do that. 

10 ways to win my heart and the reason behind why:

10: play with my hair.

• I think the reason why I like this so much is when I was younger, it was like no one in my family had seen hair before or something. Everyone always wanted to play with my hair and do cute things to it. I used to have awesome thick ringlets. Sure, being a kid, I always wanted to run around and could only sit for so long, but I miss having someone play with my hair. 

9: pick flowers for me.

• the idea of a boy pulling flowers from my neighbor's landscaping just seems thrilling and fun.

8: surprise me at work/school/home.

• Even if you're just saying "hi". Sure, a phone call (preferably), text, or even facebook wall post is great, but I can promise you it will make my entire life if you just came to say hi to me without telling me. 

7: dedicate a song to me and sing it to me.

• I've always been a sucker for a guy with a nice voice who can play the guitar or piano. Jason Mraz, Jack Johnson, John Mayer, Ty Turner, etc. These men all had me from the first note. Imagine if I actually legitimately liked you and you did this? You'd have no problem securing my heart, even if you don't think you have the best voice. It's the thought and meaning that counts. 

6: take me to your favorite sporting event.

• I. LOVE. SPORTS. Playing them, mostly, but I love watching sports. (Baseball, mostly, though. LOVE BASEBALL. If you're a Red Sox fan, you have my heart. Also, if you hate the Yankee's and the Dodger's you can have me forever.)

5: watch scary movies with me.

• This is a tough one, though. Don't be a girl. I love watching scary movies. Slasher movies, ghost movies, any scary movie. (Except the Nightmare on Elm Street series and The Ring. Will blog about this later.) I LOVE THEM. But please, don't fake like you're scared.... I went to see The Roommate on a date, and the guy grabbed my hand because he was "scared". If you want to hold my hand, don't use you're scared as an excuse. 1) The Roommate wasn't scary. 2) If you're legitimately scared I'll be able to tell. I live for scary movies. But sometimes I DO get scared, and will want you to comfort me. 

4: hang out with my family.

• My dad's pretty scary at first, but he's exactly like me. We share pretty much the same sense of humor. When everyone is in a good mood at my house, it's fun and we're a funny bunch. Don't be scared. If I ask you to come hang out with us, do it! 

3: let me tell you my secrets and just talk to me.

• I mean, I'm pretty freaking cool, but I can be so shy, and I just won't let people in at first. If you get to know me, I guarantee you'd like me as a friend. 

2: play with my dog.

• My Lilly is my world. And believe it or not, a lot of people don't like Shih Tzu's. She's just a loveable bundle of joy, and I love her, even if she is a little on the ugly and retarded side (I'm 95% sure my dog is retarded) but she's adorable, none the less. 

1: throw pebbles at my window and whisk me away.

• I've always thought that this was romantic. A boy throwing pebbles at a girls' window in the dead of night to get her attention so he can see her. I can't tell you how many times I've hear a tap at my window and get my hopes up that there's someone waiting for me at the bottom of my driveway smiling up at me. But there was that one time that there was a tap at my window at like one in the morning when I used to keep my blinds open 24/7 and my bed was in front of my window and I could see a figure outside my window but then it looked like it got startled and fell down. So I went back to reading Harry Potter. 

Now that I've told you the 10 things, I expect one of them to happen every day for 10 days, starting tomorrow.

Okay, I really don't, but it wouldn't hurt....

Okay, I really don't care. I just want them done eventually. 

Maybe.

Yes.

why don't I have a boyfriend?

LOOK AT THIS FACE:

I was going to title this blog "That Awkward Moment when..." but then I felt like I'd be cheating on tumblr if I did, so:

That Awkward Moment when you want to talk to one person all the time, but they don't want to talk to you. HA. Story of my life, right?

Here, let me tell you this said story. It's been the same since the beginning of time:
Girl tries to be pretty and perfect
Girl meets cute boy
Girl tries to talk to cute boy
Girl gets flustered and sounds like an idiot
Boy never speaks or looks at girl again.

Okay, that's not true.

The real story is I'm the friend. I'm the girl that is always going to be just friends with guys, and those guys try to get with her hot best friend. Eventually after a while, that gets old. I mean, yeah, I happen to have a very good looking group of good friends, and I may not be the "hottest" or the most "beautiful" out of us because I'm the chubster, but IS that really what society is all about these days? Dating "hot" people? I admit, I have standards, too, but you throw me someone that doesn't have movie star good looks and an amazing personality and I'm just peachy!

Once upon a time, I used to be ugly. No, I'm not kidding. It was bad. I wan't allowed to wear make-up or tweeze my eyebrows. I didn't know how to do my hair, and my mom, a licensed cosmetologist, wouldn't help me. I had crappy curling irons and straightners. In fact, the "straightners" I had were those crappy ones where you could switch out the plates and use it to crimp your hair and never heated up. My mom insisted on getting me "Misses" section clothes because "junior's isn't modest enough". I wore a way too small bra and in an attempt to look fashionable in my misses clothes, they sometimes didn't match. I wasn't the most fashionable tool in the shed, that's for sure. This was a one way ticket to getting bullied. I can't tell you the amount of times I got called ugly and fat. I can't tell you how many times I was the butt of the joke. Middle school was the worst three years of my life. My "friends" would ditch me and make fun of me with "popular" people because I was bad for their image and reputations. This would usually happen out of nowhere. I'd just be chilling, I'd say hi and BAM, they'd laugh at me and walk away, and talk about me loud enough so I could hear, or they'd vandalize my personal belongings. Preteens are MEAN. But I got through it.


If you were to look at me now, not knowing that, would you believe me when I told you? I guess that's a good thing. Nobody recognizes me when I say I went to Greenspun. I got a clean slate when I went to high school. I was able to tweeze and pick out my own clothes! I wasn't allowed to wear make-up, but I felt pretty. I cute my hair to a manageable (and cute) length, and never looked back. I don't have pictures except year book pictures or dance pictures. Dancing was the one thing that kept me going.

I've never had a REAL real boyfriend. I have had a boyfriend. His name was Don, and I am a very lucky girl to have dated my best friend. He was here for the summer and we liked each other, but he had to go to Texas for school, so we did the long distance thing. We did the long distance thing from September 2008, a month after we started "dating", and were off and on (mostly on) until January 2011, only able to see each other on skype or for the week or two during the summer when he was here. I have the long distance crappy thing down. It sucks. I wasted a lot of time in a relationship I know now was going nowhere.

I like being single sometimes. It's just like before, but now I can flirt without feeling guilty and having to tell him I flirted with someone. Sure, I loved him, and genuinely thought I was going to marry him, but I'm glad I didn't rush down there as soon as I could to marry him. I wanted to right after I graduated high school and turned 18. I'm glad I was able to see him for the person he was.

I miss being able to tell him everything. Despite everything that happened between us, he was definitely one of my best friends. If I couldn't admit something to myself, I could to him. I wasn't scared of him. I would get this feeling of calm when I heard his voice, or even the dial tone on the phone when I would call him.

That Awkward Moment when the song your ex-boyfriend dedicated to you comes on the radio. Josh Turner's "Would You Go With Me?" I can't listen to that damn song anymore. I can't even think about the chorus in my head without wanting to cry. (Who knew that this blog was going to turn into a "Samantha's ex problems blog post"? Yay!)

So, despite the times I get weak and decide to call him, I am happier now. Even though I can image myself in a white dress looking up at him, His face is fading. I don't know who I'm going to marry, but that's okay.

Let's look at the options (AKA: the guys Samantha has been on dates with, whether she knows they worked out or not, or guys that Samantha just REALLY REALLY REALLY likes):

A: Date-box date, requested by Haleigh Foster. He's cute. He sat next to me in one of my Fall Semester Anthropology classes. So nice. Probably thought I was insane that one time I flinched because I thought I saw a spider near me, and didn't say anything. SEE, NICE. This "date" went well. We talked for over an hour. My ice cream melted. It was fun. I think the fun part was telling Erin everything afterwards.

B: "B" Doesn't really count, due to the fact "B" has a girlfriend now. "B" Lasted two dates and a bouquet of Pink Roses. The FIRST roses I ever received from a boy I wasn't related to. I guess a few things screwed this up. 1) The fact I heard he was telling people he was ready to settle down and get married. 2) The fact that after I heard this, I also heard he was texting and flirting with other girls when we were basically dating. 3) The fact that I had just got out of a relationship and didn't know what to do, and knew I didn't want to jump back into another one and NEEDED to go slow, and he wanted to go fast. I liked him. He was one of the first guys to get to know me and get past the walls I put up. You don't get that deep on a first date or even a second date, but I was honest with him about my past and what I wanted. If I were to have more dates like that, maybe I wouldn't be so scared of all of this anymore?

(FACT: Due to my failed 2 year 5 month relationship, the "relationship" before that, and my parents horribly messed up marriage, I'm terrified of failing in a relationship.)


C: HA, C... oh, good ol' C. I'm honestly just throwing this one in for comic relief. C is my crush from back in the day, when I was a nerdy High School Freshman. I honestly hope he reads this. If I were to marry you, wow, I don't even know how to put this, that's how much of a joke this is to me now. SO, C.... Yeah.... I liked you once upon a time when I had C cups (Oh, wow. Punny....) But let's get serious. YOU ARE A TOOL. Not "cool". TOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have higher standards. You may be "good looking", but you're just.... not good enough. I don't know what 14 year old me saw in you? Oh, yeah. It was your head.

(Honestly, you must be horrendously bored if you're still reading.)

D: Yay! This one is my favorite one that I haven't dated! Maybe? Eh. Meh. Mehh. So, The very first day I saw you, I was attracted to you. Who wouldn't be to that smile? You are my physical type, but I thought that you were off the market, so I stopped looking at you and focused my attention elsewhere. Then the next week I see you and you talk to me at FHE. You were nice. I liked that. But I still thought you were off the market, so I didn't focus any attention on it. Then a month later, God throws you back and you hug me without knowing my name. We got closer a few days later, and then I knew it. I wanted to date you. How would I do this? I could tell you were definitely one of the top bachelors in the ward.

I'm not going to go into details, but you're definitely still on my list, Mr. D.

E: I'm not going into details on this one. But I do have feelings for you, but I like what we have, and would rather be your friend then risking dating and ruining our friendship.

F: You. :) How do I explain you? WELL, F is a good fella. I never thought that when I first saw him we'd eventually go on a date. I never thought he'd walk through my front door and meet my father, shake his hand, and make a good impression. I certainly hoped so. He was nice and remembered who I was, even after weeks of not seeing each other. And I'll be honest. I remembered his friend from a party more than I remembered him at first, but I liked F more. (His friend thought my name was Melissa? How do you get Melissa and Samantha confused....?)

Well, I honestly don't think F and I will ever be more than friends. I hope we'll be more, but this goes back to personal problems and me thinking I'm not good enough for anyone. Like I said. Personal problems. Also, I have watched "He's Just Not That Into You" about 5 times in the past week and a half due to my sickness and not being able to go out. Justin Long speaks the truth. "If a guy wants to be with you, he will make it happen." Sure, I'm all for girl power, and this is the 21st century and girls can be ballsy and ask guys out, (even though I am old fashioned and like the idea of early 1900's and mid 1900's dating.) but I'm not going to force something someone doesn't want to happen.

Sure, I want to talk to F more. I want to get to know F. I want to give F butterflies like he gave me. (For a second, let's talk about how freaking nervous I was before our date? I thought I was going to be sick. And when he asked if I was hungry, I knew I wouldn't be able to keep FOOD down. Holy crap, I thought I was going to die of nerves. I have never been so nervous in my life, and that's saying something considering how nervous I would get before choir auditions.) I want to be that girl for him. But I'm not. And I know I won't be.

Every girl needs to watch He's Just Not That Into You before starting a relationship, after ending a relationship, and after a first date. I swear, if there could a be ONE movie for relationship advice/help ever, that would be the one.

Sure, every girl will have one exception to the rule, but she can and probably will be the rule many MANY times. I'm the rule right now, I was last week, and I definitely was when I was 16. And I will probably be the rule for a long, long, long, long, long, long time.

I know I probably won't marry the first guy I go on a date with this summer, or the last guy, heck, I may not even get married in this life, but it helps knowing that God has a plan for me. If it's to focus on me for a while, I don't hate it! Sure, I want to be a mom, but maybe the reason I'm planning on working for CPS is because I need to be these kids' mom? I'll have children someday, and it might not even be in this life either. I just know that either way, I will be happy, and I am happy with my life.

That Awkward Moment when Samantha finishes her blogging for the day, but wants to blog more. 


Oh, well. It's summer. I'll get to it another day.
HAPPY SUMMER BREAK 2011!

Pencil versus Pen.

Have you ever just sat down and thought about how lucky you are? I was asked to tell someone about the worst day of my life. I tried to think about it. I could tell you a story about how my boyfriend broke up with me, or one day when my parents yelled at me. I could tell you stories from when I was bullied and didn't have anyone to talk to, but if those are my worst days, I'm extremely lucky. I live in America. I have 22 dollars in cash in my wallet, and I have cards on top of that. I have a kitchen full of food. Sure, it may lack sometimes, (most the time) but it's not like I don't even have money to go out an buy food. I'm luckier than so many people in this world. I'm so lucky to have a home with running water, electricity, a family that loves me, transportation, my health, healthcare, and a college education. A lot of people don't get that.

So, pencil versus pen. Why this? Well, last tuesday, I had this discussion. You can erase pencil. You can erase your mistakes, but it smears, it smudges, and you can't read it. You can't erase pen, but it doesn't smudge easily, and you can always read it. I'm a pen fan. But it also explains how I think a lot of things through. I don't forgive myself easily. I don't forget easily. I can't just forget what someone has done to me. I never forget what I do to someone. I can always read what has happened in my life. I remember everything. It's one of my worst traits. I wish I could be like a pencil and just erase some of the memories away. I wish I didn't remember a lot of things. But I can't.

The month of March

Hi. :) Spring break was okay, in case you were wondering. I didn't get to do exactly what I wanted, but it still went fine.

I loved this month, despite waking up early for school, which I only have to do for 7 1/2 more weeks, which sounds like a lot, but it's shorter than having to do it for 20 weeks.

Why did I love March so much? I love my ward family. They're my family now. It's amazing how that goes, actually. In January, I never thought I'd be this close to all these wonderful people, call them my best friends, and family.

There's the Kreimeyer clan. That's Ara, Brit, Mykii, Jansen, Calvin, Brandon, Rachel, and anyone else they bring in. Ara and Brit took me in the second they met me. They have a magnetism for befriending and loving people in need of it. Mykii is the coolest Asian you'll ever meet. Jansen is going to be the best doctor in the world. Calvin is silent, but when he talks it's hilarious. Brandon is the life of the party. Rachel has been through so much, and is the most assertive, wonderful person you could ever meet.

Then there's Paula, Jessica, Lindsey, and Dillon. Paula and I clicked instantly, it's like God brought her into this church right before I needed to meet her. Jessica is the sweetest, kindest woman, and is going to be an amazing mother. Lindsey loves everybody and is probably one of the most outgoing people I have ever met. Dillon is the shiz. Obviously the coolest guy around.

Now there's Emily, Cari, Heather, Kim, Joey, Billy, Andrew, and Mallory. This group of people is funny. Like.... funny. I don't think that there was a dull moment last night. It's like a group of toddlers getting together and not having any adults around. It's like everyone I come into contact with, I have a great relationship with. Emily and Cari are like the big sisters I always wanted and never got. Heather is the one that makes fun of them and makes me laugh.I just met Kim, and I like her already. She's the sweet in the mix of all the crazy. Joey is my best friend, he's a kind soul and a sweet spirit. Plus we're in the super secret club, so that's cool. Billy is my lover as of last night, and Mallory is like pretty princess.

I'm really glad I get to share these experiences with Haleigh and Erin. I get to bring two of my best friends along my journey!

I know why I was supposed to go to the Singles Ward. These people help me everyday with my trials. I wouldn't be strong enough without them. I wouldn't be able to deal with what my home life is like. The only reason I've been able to do it is all the sweet people who love me and don't judge me for what I've done wrong.

On a better/worse note: This semester IS GOING TO KILL ME. I never get enough sleep, and I'm getting bad headaches. I didn't get a lot of sleep before, but now my headaches are getting bad. I should probably get that checked out.

March has been a great month. Despite all the tears, the laughs have already been 10 fold, I can't even imagine what it's going to be like after the second coming.

I need to get my patriarchal blessing soon. I have my recommend, it's just a matter of getting it done. And you are all invited when I get it. :)

3 hours until Spring Break.

While I sit in the library, proof reading Mary's novels, waiting for class, I think to myself how she told me how I inspire her characters. While she was my Young Womens' leader, she was like a mother, and now she's like a sister, but I can't help but think that maybe I'm not the same girl she would picture when she wrote about certain characters.

Sure, I still want to devote my life to helping kids, I still love singing, and I still would do anything for my friends. I still love a lot of things, but as I read some of this, I notice how much I have really changed in the past few months alone. It started when Erin left for SUU. She was the last of my friends to leave for college while I stayed home for school because my family needed me. I didn't need social interaction before, but after this I just didn't really talk to anybody. I would sit in my room and read or watch movies. Then I got really into blogging on tumblr. It was the perfect venting system, and these people had the same sense of humor that I did, but though I could reveal some of my secrets and thoughts to them, they could never be the substitute for a sister.

But while all of this was going on, I realized somethings about myself:

• The Twilight Series is creepy. 
• Taylor Swift wines a lot, and none of her relationships work out.
• My past is going to help me be a better parent.
• I really don't like people. 
• I love all the things I've had passions for, but I haven't felt so good about a career path as I do now.
• I miss taking pictures.
• I like writing missionary letters. 
• I've grown up a lot. 

When I was a sophomore, New Moon had just been released. Not many people had read it or even knew what is was, and I got really into it. I would read the books all the time, and then when there was a movie coming out, I was so excited. But then when they released the cast, I was upset. The cast wasn't right. Then the movie sucked. There was no good part in the movie. That's when it started going down hill, then last summer, I reread the whole series... Edward is a creep you guys... he watches Bella while she sleeps... And how could Bella ever be a good rolemodel for a girl? She's willing to throw her life away for a guy, and not get a college education, never talk to her family again, and how could someone like that be a good rolemodel. That's not how life is now. Not all girls can just wait around for some rich guy to come around and get married. It don't work like that. 

Taylor Swift is annoying. I loved her songs when they first came out, but she's a broken record. And always "innocent". None of these break ups are ever her fault. 

I'm learning from my parents mistakes. It's going to make me a better person and parent. 

I really don't like people. Now when I say this, you're probably confused. I could live without social interaction. I could live under a rock and be totally fine with it. I just don't like people I don't know, but there's a few different types of people. The people I don't like are usually people who are rude and inconsiderate, people who are full of themselves, and people who are douche bags. 

I have wanted to be a singer, on broadway, a photographer, a political science professor at NYU, a high school history teacher, and a mom. Now I want to be a mom, just not for my own kids. I want to work for Child Protection Services. I want to save kids from mental, psychological, and physical abuse. I don't want another child to go through what I went through. 

I miss taking pictures. Enough said. 

I like writing missionary letters. 

I've grown up a lot since high school. I've had to. I have to act more like a mother and rolemodel than ever before. I wouldn't trade it for the world. 

I think it's time that I mention I've got myself an obsession

For the smell for the touch...
I know I've got myself a habit, but I have to have it now
don't care where, work it out, let me break it down...
I try it on, I take it off, so what you got?
Boots and Boys. They bring me so much joy.



It seems like Kesha's somewhat unknown songs can relate to me. This song, Blind, Dancing with Tears in my Eyes, Goodbye. It's funny to think she's a normal girl under all the glitter. She's really smart and has feelings. But let's get to the point, shall we? Boots. And. Boys. What is it with my head that makes me only want to think/do the following things: go shopping (particularly at Savers, H&M, Urby Outties, Target, Charlotte, Patty's Closet, and Ammy Appy.) boys (well, lately boy, but whatevs) what I'm going to with Erin that weekend, and eating my favorite food: Fresh and Easy's delicious $1.99 penne pasta bowl with creamy tomato sauce (seriously THE BOMB.)

I guess it's normal to think about this kind of stuff. I mean, this isn't all I think about. I think about my future a lot. How I can tweak my 10 year plan into something better every time I do. I think about how I'm going to raise the children I have, and how I can make them proud while they watch over me. I think about my mom; I wonder if her and I could ever have any kind of relationship ever again. I look at some people with their mom's... and it makes me want to cry that I never had that with my mom. I never had a mother who would let me curl up next to her on the couch and cry on her shoulder about a bad break up. I never had a mother who would talk to me about anything. I get jealous when I hear people say their mom is their best friend, and they can tell her anything, because I can't. I can't tell my mom anything without feeling like she's going to tell me it's stupid or use it against me. I want to be the opposite of her when I'm a mother. I want to be able to cuddle with my kids, and have my daughter or son cry on my shoulder when they have a bad breakup or have relationship problems period. I want them to have a mother they can look up to, and feel like they're loved, because feeling like your mother doesn't love or care about you is the worst feeling in the world.

I feel like I wouldn't be so guarded and worried all the time if I had some of her help when I started dating. Because of not having any help and watching my parents failing marriage, I've been terrified of the thought of being hurt. I used to tell myself when I was a kid, when my mom wouldn't do anything for me and my dad was working all the time, that when I got married, everything would be better. I would have a loving husband who would put his kids and family first, a worthy priesthood holder, and someone who could look past all my flaws and say they love me. I used to think to myself that my life was going to get better, and this was helping me prepare for being a better mother.

Lately, well, in the past 24 hours, I've been thinking of my past relationships and friends. I haven't had the best luck, but I was happy when I was with them. Two of my dearest friends just went through bad breakups, and for one it was her first. I look back at my first real relationship where I was in love, and I still hurt from it. I still want him back. In August, we'll have been broken up for 3 years. As of today, it has been 2 years, 7 months, and 3 days. I could tell you the hours. I could tell you the minutes. I could tell you how much I still love him. I could tell you how much I still care, but it won't change anything.

There's days where I'll stare at my phone and wait for him to call. Tell me he misses me. He told a mutual friend that he still cared about me and wanted to be there to protect me, be there for me... it makes me wonder why he didn't. I want him to be there. I want him to hold me again, even if it's not the same way as before. Just his touch...

There's also the boy who put me back together after he left. This boy was great for me. He went from being a friend, to a lover, to a best friend, but when I say best friend, I feel like Summer Finn in (500) Days. Tom loved her as a husband loves a wife. Would eventually marry her if he could. She loved him as a best friend, and married someone else. Our relationship is like (500). We were dating, but if something better were to come along, I might have left him. He wouldn't have left me.

We're going to go through hard times with boys, and boots will get old and fall apart, but my friendship is forever. I love you all♥

I'm pretty sure I've met the man I'm going to marry.

I don't know why I'm blogging about this, because I know I'm going to jinx it, but I'm pretty sure I've met him.

And I'm happy with this one. For once. :)

I just need a minute

I don't like getting close to boys and letting my guard down. I feel like this is an appropriate way to begin this blog. I know that every girl feels like this at some point in time. It's not fair that we have to feel like this, though. I know, believe me, I do, that God wouldn't put us through anything that we can't handle, but it's getting really hard. It's kind of sad that I'm only 19 years old and am ready to give up. I'm tired of getting hurt, especially when I told him that I've been cheated on and played. I didn't think he'd hurt me, and so I let my guard down. It took two weeks for me to get hurt. It's almost like a new record. I should've known better.

I don't think I can trust him for a long time. I've told him this. I feel bad, but I'm not going to put myself through anything that I've already been through again. I won't go through any of that. I refuse. It's kind of like a fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me, and the you is the male gender.

I'm going to embrace this though. I was going to tie myself down not even a month after I was ready to be single again. After I was over him. I'm going to be me, and date around. See what I like most. I don't need to be someone's girlfriend or get married right now. That would be silly. I at least want to be able to support myself before I jump into that kind of commitment. I would like to be either done with school or almost done with school and have a full time job before any of that. I don't want to feel like my husband is supporting the both of us and because I go to school full time, I can't help. I would just feel lazy and like a loser basically. I don't know how some couples do it. Like Chauncey and Jenni, the newest married couple I know! I have no idea how they do it. Sure, Chauncey is older, but Jenni is just a month older than me, goes to school, and works part time. What if they were to have a kid? How would they afford anything?

I have my wedding planned out as sad as that sounds. I have the perfect dress, the colors, the way I want everything decorated, the bridesmaid dresses, who my maid of honor and bridesmaids are, what flowers I want, everything except who the Groom is. I want to get proposed to in the winter in the snow, and married in the fall. October 25th to be exact. I don't know why I like that date, to me, it just seems like the perfect day to get married. But because I have all of this planned out, I will never get married, because that's karma.

Now, instead of sitting here in my self pity: I'm actually very happy besides all of this. I have great friends and a great life. Sure, things aren't great at home, but they don't need to be. I'm loving life. I love all my new friends and these new experiences. If I had known how happy I was going to be in the Royal Mesa Ward, I would've transferred my records right after graduation.

I love all the new people I'm meeting. Even though Haleigh and I have been amazing friends since high school, we're getting a lot closer now. I love all our new inside jokes and being an old woman with her. We're going to go on Say Yes To The Dress when she's going dress shopping, and her pee pill is secretly delicious.

I love Paula and Lindsey. I knew Lindsey before I even entered high school. I don't know if she remembered me, but I remembered her. And then I met Paula, and I'm very happy about these friendships. Paula and Lindsey are kind of like the big sisters I never had and always wanted. They're so funny, and always smiling.

I also love the Kreimeyer sisters, Ara and Brit. They are two of the funniest, thoughtful, amazing people. They're also like sisters, too. Ara welcomed me the very first time we talked, and I loved Brit from the moment we first talked. I don't think that my experiences would be the same without them.

Of course there's Jessica. She is actually in two wards. Her home ward and the singles ward. She's a primary teacher in her home ward and loves every minute of it. She has the sweetest spirit, and I look up to her.

There's my soccer players. Forbush, Angulo, Fletcher, Billy, Carly Richardson, Alyssa, and a lot of people that I don't know their names so I make up nicknames for them in my head, and it would be really embarrassing for me to post them on the internet.

There's also Mallory and Joey. I literately just met them, and we're totes already BFFs. We make a good team, take a good picture, and even though I steal Joey's phone for hours, he calls me his best friend, and we're in the super secret club, which it totally cool, because we're the most elite club in the Las Vegas area. Quite possibly the world.

And there's many others, like Carly Doty, Mykii, the lovely lady I visit teach, Bianca, and pretty much everybody who shows their face at Ara's house.

I love you all. You're the most amazing people, and I'm very grateful to have you in my life.

I'm so lucky.

I'm so lucky to have this gospel in my life. I'm so incredibly lucky to know amazing people, with outstanding testimonies. I can't express in words how much you all mean to me...

thank you all so much.

Why did I ever think an 8am business class would ever be okay?

I can handle 9:30 am classes. I have one Monday through Thursday. Business 201. 8 am. Mondays and  Wednesdays. How stupid am I? This is my face when I wake up at 6 in the morning those days:

THEN this is my face after I'm done getting ready:

When I get to school:

THEN IN CLASS: 

The only thing saving me from looking like an idiot is blogging. Thank yo and have a nice day.

I love my sisters.

Erin Eleyse Anderton

Darling, dahhhhling, girl. You are my best friend. I tell you all my secrets. I tell you all my dreams. You know me better than I know me. We've been friends since primary. We got closer when I was a sophomore and you were a freshman. We had a teeny tiny falling out, but we're all better now, and better than ever. And now you completely understand how I feel about so many things. 

You're going to be my Maid of Honor. And even when you're married and living across the nation, we're still going to be best friends, texting each other, calling each other, freaking out over this and that, this and that. You're always my number one go to, and I know I can always count on you. I love you, whore<3

Haleigh Foster

First year of girls camp when we first met each other, I knew we were going to be friends for a long time. You are one of the best people I have ever met, with an amazing family to match. I love you and your family. I mean, I kinda have to love your family, they're going to be mine when my brother marries your sister. THEN I can officially be Samaleigh! 

We have some great times, and I wish we had more great times together, and we totally will! I'm so excited to be in the ward with you, and I can't wait until you're on say yes to the dress when you're engaged, and I'm just so so so so so excited!!! 

I love you bunches. You're amazing and wonderful. I'm so lucky to have a sister like you. You're the best. 

I like blogging. I like soccer. I like Royal Mesa.

I'm a serial blogger. I have been since I signed up for tumblr, but I needed a new place where I'm not distracted by pretty pictures, likes, and reblogs.

Blogging is annoying. It totally is. It's just me, getting my thoughts out there, and you crazy people decided you want to get to know me without actually talking to me, so you end up here, reading my blog. I'm okay with that, because if you read what's coming out of my head FROM me, then you're getting it right. It's not some assumption you got from your friend who is in a class with someone who is in a class with me. I know that somebody is going to tell somebody that they read my blog, and it says this and this and that, and then they're going to miss important details, making everything sound completely, 104% different. But hey, there's a source people can come to to see for themselves. 

I thought blogging was lame. Back on myspace, they had that blogging thing you could do. I never kept up with it. I thought it was stupid. I'd rather look at so and so's comments from that stupid girl no one liked than to write out what happened to me each and every day. I've never been the best at keeping  a journal. But now, I almost feel like it's a necessity if I want to remember what my life was like when I was younger when I look back on this is 10 years.

I like soccer. I play every monday. I never thought that I would say this. It's totally awesome. There's really hot guys, and playing with them is an honor, really. I've made a lot of friends doing this, and I have battle scars, (and I have one really painful right boobie from where a certain someone *cough*Cameron*cough* sent the ball flying at.) but I wouldn't trade it for a lot of things. Maybe... nevermind. 

I really like the Royal Mesa ward. I was terrified at first. I didn't know how I felt about going to church anymore. I'm a college student and all I want to do is sleep. Going to my home ward for 3 hours and watch kids for 2 of them made me cringe. But then, it was almost like a miracle. For the first time in my church experiences, I fit in somewhere. I was getting all these offers and questions like people actually wanted to talk to me. I go to FHE, which I have never been to in my life. I have fun. I love it. I help with everything I can. I laugh. I tell jokes. I don't know why I didn't go before. I really fit in, and it's the best feeling in the world. If I hadn't gone, I would be falling further and further away from the church. I thank you all for coming into my life, and for those of you who haven't yet, I can't wait to be your friend♥

2 songs that describe how I feel.

1. Summer Girl

I drive an army jeep 
My bumper sticker reads 
Drink 'til he's cute 
That's what I'm gonna do 
Ain't got no serious thing 
Don't wear no diamond ring 
I've got a new tattoo 
I think you'll like the view 

In my mind 
The sun shines 
All the time 

'Cause I'm just a summer girl 
I wear my flip flops 
And when I let my hair down 
That's when the party starts 
And who needs a boyfriend 
I've got my girlfriends 
And when we get together 
The summer never ends 

Tank tops and cut-off jeans 
Bikinis and belly rings 
We'll make that scene when the 
DJ plays 'Dancing Queen' 
Fellas lay your money down 
We'll letcha buy around 
Don't push your luck 
Don't get more than your hopes up 

In my world 
day or night 
Rain or shine 

I'm just a summer girl 
I wear my flip flops 
And when I let my hair down 
That's when the party starts 
And who needs a boyfriend 
I've got my girlfriends 
And when we get together 
The summer never ends 

Everybody needs a little bit of sunshine 
Everybody needs time to unwind 
Everybody gotta have a good time 
I'm just a summer girl 

Everybody get up on your feet 
Everybody gotta shake your body 
Everybody got a right to be free 
I'm just a summer girl 

I'm just a summer girl 
I wear my flip flops 
And when I let my hair down 
The party never stops 
And who needs a boyfriend 
I've got my girlfriends 
And when we get together 
The summer never ends 

I'm just a summer girl 

Everybody needs a little bit of sunshine 
Everybody needs time to unwind 
Everybody gotta have a good time 
I'm just a summer girl 

Everybody get up on your feet 
Everybody gotta shake your body 
Everybody got a right to be free 
I'm just a summer girl

2. A Little Bit Stronger

Woke up late today

And I still felt the sting of the pain

But I brushed my teeth anyway

Got dressed through the mess

And put a smile on my face

I got a little bit stronger

Riding in the car to work

And I’m trying to ignore the hurt

So I turned on the radio

Stupid song made me think of you

I listened to it for a minute

But then I changed it

And I’m getting a little bit stronger

Just a little bit stronger

I’m done hoping that we can work it out

I’m done with how it feels

Spinning my wheels

And letting you drag my heart around

And I’m done thinking you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same

But I’m telling myself I’ll be okay

Even on my weakest days

I get a little bit stronger

I get a little bit stronger

It doesn’t happen overnight

Then you turn around and months gone by

And you realize you haven’t cried

I’m not giving you an hour, or a second, or another minute longer

I’m busy getting stronger

I’m done hoping that we can work it out

I’m done with how it feels

Spinning my wheels

And letting you drag my heart around

And I’m done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same

But I’m telling myself I’ll be okay

Even on my weakest days

I get a little bit stronger

Just a little bit stronger

Getting along without you, baby

I’m better off without you, baby

How does it feel without me, baby?

I’m getting stronger without you, baby

I’m done hoping that we can work it out

I’m done with how it feels

Spinning my wheels

And letting you drag my heart around

And I’m done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same

But I’m telling myself I’ll be okay

Even on my weakest days

I get a little bit stronger

Just a little bit stronger

I get a little bit stronger

Just a little bit stronger

A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger

A little bit stronger

Why these two songs? I don't know. I've been hurt by someone I was in love with, but who hasn't? I'm making the best out of the cards I was dealt. I'm okay with that. I don't need a boyfriend as long as I have my best friends. I'm happy, and I'm getting stronger. 

Thank you, Leighton Meester for singing these amazing songs.