Here, let me tell you this said story. It's been the same since the beginning of time:
Girl tries to be pretty and perfect
Girl meets cute boy
Girl tries to talk to cute boy
Girl gets flustered and sounds like an idiot
Boy never speaks or looks at girl again.
Okay, that's not true.
The real story is I'm the friend. I'm the girl that is always going to be just friends with guys, and those guys try to get with her hot best friend. Eventually after a while, that gets old. I mean, yeah, I happen to have a very good looking group of good friends, and I may not be the "hottest" or the most "beautiful" out of us because I'm the chubster, but IS that really what society is all about these days? Dating "hot" people? I admit, I have standards, too, but you throw me someone that doesn't have movie star good looks and an amazing personality and I'm just peachy!
Once upon a time, I used to be ugly. No, I'm not kidding. It was bad. I wan't allowed to wear make-up or tweeze my eyebrows. I didn't know how to do my hair, and my mom, a licensed cosmetologist, wouldn't help me. I had crappy curling irons and straightners. In fact, the "straightners" I had were those crappy ones where you could switch out the plates and use it to crimp your hair and never heated up. My mom insisted on getting me "Misses" section clothes because "junior's isn't modest enough". I wore a way too small bra and in an attempt to look fashionable in my misses clothes, they sometimes didn't match. I wasn't the most fashionable tool in the shed, that's for sure. This was a one way ticket to getting bullied. I can't tell you the amount of times I got called ugly and fat. I can't tell you how many times I was the butt of the joke. Middle school was the worst three years of my life. My "friends" would ditch me and make fun of me with "popular" people because I was bad for their image and reputations. This would usually happen out of nowhere. I'd just be chilling, I'd say hi and BAM, they'd laugh at me and walk away, and talk about me loud enough so I could hear, or they'd vandalize my personal belongings. Preteens are MEAN. But I got through it.
If you were to look at me now, not knowing that, would you believe me when I told you? I guess that's a good thing. Nobody recognizes me when I say I went to Greenspun. I got a clean slate when I went to high school. I was able to tweeze and pick out my own clothes! I wasn't allowed to wear make-up, but I felt pretty. I cute my hair to a manageable (and cute) length, and never looked back. I don't have pictures except year book pictures or dance pictures. Dancing was the one thing that kept me going.
I've never had a REAL real boyfriend. I have had a boyfriend. His name was Don, and I am a very lucky girl to have dated my best friend. He was here for the summer and we liked each other, but he had to go to Texas for school, so we did the long distance thing. We did the long distance thing from September 2008, a month after we started "dating", and were off and on (mostly on) until January 2011, only able to see each other on skype or for the week or two during the summer when he was here. I have the long distance crappy thing down. It sucks. I wasted a lot of time in a relationship I know now was going nowhere.
I like being single sometimes. It's just like before, but now I can flirt without feeling guilty and having to tell him I flirted with someone. Sure, I loved him, and genuinely thought I was going to marry him, but I'm glad I didn't rush down there as soon as I could to marry him. I wanted to right after I graduated high school and turned 18. I'm glad I was able to see him for the person he was.
I miss being able to tell him everything. Despite everything that happened between us, he was definitely one of my best friends. If I couldn't admit something to myself, I could to him. I wasn't scared of him. I would get this feeling of calm when I heard his voice, or even the dial tone on the phone when I would call him.
That Awkward Moment when the song your ex-boyfriend dedicated to you comes on the radio. Josh Turner's "Would You Go With Me?" I can't listen to that damn song anymore. I can't even think about the chorus in my head without wanting to cry. (
So, despite the times I get weak and decide to call him, I am happier now. Even though I can image myself in a white dress looking up at him, His face is fading. I don't know who I'm going to marry, but that's okay.
Let's look at the options (AKA: the guys Samantha has been on dates with, whether she knows they worked out or not, or guys that Samantha just REALLY REALLY REALLY likes):
A: Date-box date, requested by Haleigh Foster. He's cute. He sat next to me in one of my Fall Semester Anthropology classes. So nice. Probably thought I was insane that one time I flinched because I thought I saw a spider near me, and didn't say anything. SEE, NICE. This "date" went well. We talked for over an hour. My ice cream melted. It was fun. I think the fun part was telling Erin everything afterwards.
B: "B" Doesn't really count, due to the fact "B" has a girlfriend now. "B" Lasted two dates and a bouquet of Pink Roses. The FIRST roses I ever received from a boy I wasn't related to. I guess a few things screwed this up. 1) The fact I heard he was telling people he was ready to settle down and get married. 2) The fact that after I heard this, I also heard he was texting and flirting with other girls when we were basically dating. 3) The fact that I had just got out of a relationship and didn't know what to do, and knew I didn't want to jump back into another one and NEEDED to go slow, and he wanted to go fast. I liked him. He was one of the first guys to get to know me and get past the walls I put up. You don't get that deep on a first date or even a second date, but I was honest with him about my past and what I wanted. If I were to have more dates like that, maybe I wouldn't be so scared of all of this anymore?
(FACT: Due to my failed 2 year 5 month relationship, the "relationship" before that, and my parents horribly messed up marriage, I'm terrified of failing in a relationship.)
C: HA, C... oh, good ol' C. I'm honestly just throwing this one in for comic relief. C is my crush from back in the day, when I was a nerdy High School Freshman. I honestly hope he reads this. If I were to marry you, wow, I don't even know how to put this, that's how much of a joke this is to me now. SO, C.... Yeah.... I liked you once upon a time when I had C cups (Oh, wow. Punny....) But let's get serious. YOU ARE A TOOL. Not "cool". TOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have higher standards. You may be "good looking", but you're just.... not good enough. I don't know what 14 year old me saw in you? Oh, yeah. It was your head.
(Honestly, you must be horrendously bored if you're still reading.)
D: Yay! This one is my favorite one that I haven't dated! Maybe? Eh. Meh. Mehh. So, The very first day I saw you, I was attracted to you. Who wouldn't be to that smile? You are my physical type, but I thought that you were off the market, so I stopped looking at you and focused my attention elsewhere. Then the next week I see you and you talk to me at FHE. You were nice. I liked that. But I still thought you were off the market, so I didn't focus any attention on it. Then a month later, God throws you back and you hug me without knowing my name. We got closer a few days later, and then I knew it. I wanted to date you. How would I do this? I could tell you were definitely one of the top bachelors in the ward.
I'm not going to go into details, but you're definitely still on my list, Mr. D.
E: I'm not going into details on this one. But I do have feelings for you, but I like what we have, and would rather be your friend then risking dating and ruining our friendship.
F: You. :) How do I explain you? WELL, F is a good fella. I never thought that when I first saw him we'd eventually go on a date. I never thought he'd walk through my front door and meet my father, shake his hand, and make a good impression. I certainly hoped so. He was nice and remembered who I was, even after weeks of not seeing each other. And I'll be honest. I remembered his friend from a party more than I remembered him at first, but I liked F more. (His friend thought my name was Melissa? How do you get Melissa and Samantha confused....?)
Well, I honestly don't think F and I will ever be more than friends. I hope we'll be more, but this goes back to personal problems and me thinking I'm not good enough for anyone. Like I said. Personal problems. Also, I have watched "He's Just Not That Into You" about 5 times in the past week and a half due to my sickness and not being able to go out. Justin Long speaks the truth. "If a guy wants to be with you, he will make it happen." Sure, I'm all for girl power, and this is the 21st century and girls can be ballsy and ask guys out, (even though I am old fashioned and like the idea of early 1900's and mid 1900's dating.) but I'm not going to force something someone doesn't want to happen.
Sure, I want to talk to F more. I want to get to know F. I want to give F butterflies like he gave me. (For a second, let's talk about how freaking nervous I was before our date? I thought I was going to be sick. And when he asked if I was hungry, I knew I wouldn't be able to keep FOOD down. Holy crap, I thought I was going to die of nerves. I have never been so nervous in my life, and that's saying something considering how nervous I would get before choir auditions.) I want to be that girl for him. But I'm not. And I know I won't be.
Every girl needs to watch He's Just Not That Into You before starting a relationship, after ending a relationship, and after a first date. I swear, if there could a be ONE movie for relationship advice/help ever, that would be the one.
Sure, every girl will have one exception to the rule, but she can and probably will be the rule many MANY times. I'm the rule right now, I was last week, and I definitely was when I was 16. And I will probably be the rule for a long, long, long, long, long, long time.
I know I probably won't marry the first guy I go on a date with this summer, or the last guy, heck, I may not even get married in this life, but it helps knowing that God has a plan for me. If it's to focus on me for a while, I don't hate it! Sure, I want to be a mom, but maybe the reason I'm planning on working for CPS is because I need to be these kids' mom? I'll have children someday, and it might not even be in this life either. I just know that either way, I will be happy, and I am happy with my life.
That Awkward Moment when Samantha finishes her blogging for the day, but wants to blog more.
Oh, well. It's summer. I'll get to it another day.
HAPPY SUMMER BREAK 2011!
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