I don't like crying. I feel like I'm not a crier... then when I get really emotionally involved, I cry a lot. I really only sad/confused cry for 2 reasons: I'm not happy with where I am and my family. (I don't want to get into family cries.)
But I cry a lot when I'm happy.
I cried at my best friend's wedding more than she did. I cried when she walked out of the temple. I cried when we hugged. I cried when she hugged everybody. I cried when I felt the spirit. I cried while I was talking to her mother in law. I cried while hugging her mother in law. I cried while at the luncheon. I cried while getting her out of her wedding dress and into her going away clothes. I cried while they left. I cried while back at her house and while I was in her room for the last time. I cried a lot that day. (It is actually kind of pathetic. I wasn't even getting married.)
I cry when I think about saving kids when I get the chance to be a social worker.
I cry when I think about The Second Coming.
I cry when I think about The Atonement.
I cry when I think about families being together forever, and how I love the temple, and how I am so excited to get married there one day and how my family will be with me FOREVER.
I cry during sports movies.
I cry when I think about, hopefully one day, some sucker out there is going to fall in love with me of all of the amazing, gorgeous girls out there, and will want to be with me forever, our of all the amazing, gorgeous girls out there, and how he will make me happier than all of them, and how I get to love him forever, which is all I ever wanted anyway. I am so excited that I'm going to get to love someone forever. And then I cry when I think how we're going to have a family, and it's going to be the family that I never got to have, and how I will love my kids and give them the love that they deserve and that they need!
I cry when I think about how much I'm going to love my kids, and I wish I were ready for their sweet spirits.
I cry when I think about my future.
I cry a lot.
I cry when I think about doing my parents temple work someday.
I cry at the end of The Notebook.
I cry at good music.
I cried writing this blog post.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Monday, March 25, 2013
Places I need to go:
I love travelling. I love going to my favorite places and enjoying. And I don't really want to come back home sometimes. I wish I could balance my time between New York, Hawaii, Utah, and California. But there's also other places I want to go.
I want to go to Bali. I want to go to Arkansas. I want to go to Boston. I want to go to Miami. I want to go to Orlando. I want to go to Seattle. I want to go to Paris. I want to go to Portland. I want to go to Figi. I want to go to Greece. I want to go to Italy. I want to go to Germany. I want to go to Ireland. I want to go to Scotland. I want to go to Thailand. I want to go to Africa.
But I would rather be in someone's arms who love me.
I want to go to Bali. I want to go to Arkansas. I want to go to Boston. I want to go to Miami. I want to go to Orlando. I want to go to Seattle. I want to go to Paris. I want to go to Portland. I want to go to Figi. I want to go to Greece. I want to go to Italy. I want to go to Germany. I want to go to Ireland. I want to go to Scotland. I want to go to Thailand. I want to go to Africa.
But I would rather be in someone's arms who love me.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Never Underestimate A Woman Scorned.
I haven't told you any of my important life stories for a while, and while going through old things and listening to old mix cds, this seemed like the best time to get it all out there.
When I was 16, I screwed up. I screwed up big time. In the end, it made my most important friendships stronger, showed me who I could be, showed me who I didn't need in my life, and in the very end, made my relationship with God and my religion strongest.
The best place to start is at the beginning, right? So, here it goes: I was in a group full of the most amazing girls. I considered all these girls my very best friends, and my future bridesmaids at my future wedding. I'm sure some of you know who I'm talking about, and that some of you are these girls. But for those of you that don't, their names aren't important - I respect them and their privacy. I'll just refer to them as A, B, C, D, and E. A was (and is) my very best friend. And she's the one I will always feel like I hurt the most. B was new in all our lives. She recently moved to our side of town and her and I had clicked instantly. C was also new. Her and I had a class together the year before, and I had introduced her to the group and they all accepted her as on of our best friends. D and I go way back. Back to almost sunbeam and kindergarten times. We typically clashed because we both wanted to be in charge of things. We were both power hungry. And we're probably never going to be as close as we have been in the past ever again. Finally, E is probably the most innocent out of everyone. While being best friends with D, she played middle ground and didn't think I was a terrible person.
We were all (except for A) 16, me the most recent out of everyone. It was going to be the best year. Our year. We were going to go to all the football games, and cheer for our crushes on the field. We were all going to get asked to homecoming and go together in a huge group and do the funnest things together after the dance. We were going to have sleep overs every weekend. We would stay up on the phone late at night, just talking - and this is where I got in trouble. This is where I hurt the person who means the most to me on this planet. I hurt A. I was talking on the phone with C, and the Sadies dance casually came up in conversation. I didn't know who I was going to ask. I don't even remember how it was logical, but it was. I was scared of rejection, so I was going to ask someone so smart and so quiet that they couldn't say no to me. This happened to be A's crush. And I told C I was going to ask him to Sadies. The next day, it was a friday, and I had gotten to the cafeteria first for lunch, and it was always a fight to get a table and then get enough chairs for your group, so I wrestled together 6 chairs and placed my belongings on them. I waited. 5 minutes had gone by, the cafeteria was getting crowded, and people were asking me for my chairs. I would tell them, "No, my friends are coming, sorry." and then look at my phone. 10 minutes. People were just trying to take my chairs now instead of asking. Then I saw A and D together through the windows. They looked in, and then walked away. I risked using my minutes and calling them. And got rejected every time. I didn't know what I had done wrong, but this was every 16 year old girl's nightmare. After 5 more minutes, I just got up and left, threw my lunch away, and ran to the bathroom. I had completely lost my appetite and felt sick. I felt like I was going to die.
I spent the next few months making odd friends, rekindling older friendships that didn't believe the same things I did about life and my future. I was broken, and I just needed some friends to be the glue to hold me together. My home life was terrible. My school life was just as bad. And then I had no social life. I stayed home every football game. I didn't get asked to homecoming. I stayed home and read my history textbooks and did my homework. I had left my window open, and at around 11 at night, my... friends were forking my lawn and toilet papering my house (badly, sorry guys, but you sucked.) and I stuck my head out and saw them running away.
There were times where I would call one of them, just wanting to feel something other than the hate I had felt when the good thing of my life was taken away. I wanted that happy back. I wanted the good back. And most the time, they'd ignore me. And I'd drop the phone on the floor next to my bed and I would lay there, and I wouldn't feel anything. I would just stare at my wall and not think. But on the occasion they would answer, they would be on a group call already, and they would add me on, just for me to end up embarrassed, hurt, trying to defend myself, and more lost than I was before I dialed the number that lead to those feelings.
I would like to say that this was the darkest time of my life, but it wasn't. I was still hurt and confused. I didn't think what I did was wrong, but it was, and this is the punishment I was forced to face. When you're dealing with high school girls (or anyone was the XX chromosome) your life will be ruined.
I ended up turning to the wrong people. I will always love these people, that held me together, but they were the wrong people for me. I lost myself. I needed someone who held the same standards and beliefs I did, but even though I was at a school where were so many who believed the same thing I did, they didn't accept me. They had their friends and their clique, and I was the outcast. I knew they made fun of me behind my back. I knew they spread rumors about me. They made things just as bad for me as A, B, C, D, and E and their friends did. I lost hope in a lot of things. I couldn't make it through some days anymore, so I would leave school. I did that a lot. I ditched a lot. Mostly 5th and 6th period at the end of the day, and it became a habit. I was reckless.
I remember the first time I abandoned my faith for my first drink of alcohol. It was Z's birthday. (I'm referring to her as Z, her best friend as Y, her life long friend as X.) Y ended up coming with us, but then we set the alarm off at Z's dad's mansion, and she had to be home for work and left. X took us to her old apartment. Her and her fiance had just broke it off, and she had moved back in with her mom, her ex-fiance had moved out of the apartment. The complex must have not leased out their old place yet, and the locks hadn't been changed, and she still had her key. She had bought alcohol for Z's party, and we intended on drinking it. I remember Z had to go to brunch with her brother in the morning, so we went to X's mom's house and slept there, and me and X went to brunch by ourselves. She was so pretty, but she was broken, too. I don't remember what we talked about, but I hold her highly. We haven't spoken since, but she taught me to be myself that day. And after that talk, me and A made up, along with B and C. I hear that X is engaged again to someone better, and I'm so happy for her.
I wish that I could say that after making up with my friends things went back to normal, and that I lost my recklessness, but I didn't. Me, B, and C weren't 100% yet, and there wasn't hope for me and D. However, I was invited to weekend activities again, and they made things bearable, and I was starting to be put back together again. I still ate lunch alone mostly. Sometimes Z would be there. We would still ditch together. In the future, we would "party" together, and Z ended up teaching me about the world and what happens outside my bubble of faith and beliefs. I saw first hand what it's all about. And I'm so grateful that I have my faith and belief bubble.
My senior year, myself, A, B, and C were all friends. We had so much fun my senior year. D and I ended up getting into a fight ourselves, and I got outcasted again by her. It felt like the first time, but I still had A and C, thankfully. It felt like a lot of the first time it happened, D was the source of it and controlled it. I still don't know why she would have controlled all the hate against me the first time, when it didn't involve her, but some things I'll never know the answers to.
My life lesson for today is that girls are mean, ruthless creatures when you have "wronged" them in any way. I never thought my life would be like a spin off of Mean Girls. I never thought that I would end up like Cady Heron after Regina George blamed the burn book on her and the rest of the plastics. I'm sure that girls with similar stories never expected it, either. But... it happens. And I'm just lucky that I ended up with a happy ending. A is my very best friend, and this only brought us closer together. We didn't talk for 6 months. And while my young adult life has been hard with my parent's divorce and my childhood memories of abuse, and my father's purposely hurtful words, I think that those 6 months without her were my darkest.
A is married, and in June will have been married for a year. B recently celebrated her 2 year anniversary. C is living the 22 year old life, has a boyfriend, and is working at a school. I don't know much about D, but I know she's been seriously dating someone for over a year now in her college town. E will have been married for a year in May. I'm friends again with each of these girls, and D and I aren't that close, but I will still say she's a friend, as I'm working on this thing called forgiving and forgetting.
I'm 21 and working while dreaming of my sociology degree and wishing towards my future career in Child Protective Services. I have new best friends and a new circle. F, G, and H (letter names for my new 3 best friends) are exactly what I need in my life right now, and I never thought I would be so lucky. I never thought I would escape my 16 year old demons. But I did. Being a teenager is hard. Being a teenage outcast is even harder. I've been there. I've survived that. I actually survived that. When I was 16 I didn't think I would. But I did. And I hope that anyone going through anything remotely close to that knows that they can, too. Life, love, and friends all suck sometimes, but it's just a life lesson that you can get through it, and you can do anything.
When I was 16, I screwed up. I screwed up big time. In the end, it made my most important friendships stronger, showed me who I could be, showed me who I didn't need in my life, and in the very end, made my relationship with God and my religion strongest.
The best place to start is at the beginning, right? So, here it goes: I was in a group full of the most amazing girls. I considered all these girls my very best friends, and my future bridesmaids at my future wedding. I'm sure some of you know who I'm talking about, and that some of you are these girls. But for those of you that don't, their names aren't important - I respect them and their privacy. I'll just refer to them as A, B, C, D, and E. A was (and is) my very best friend. And she's the one I will always feel like I hurt the most. B was new in all our lives. She recently moved to our side of town and her and I had clicked instantly. C was also new. Her and I had a class together the year before, and I had introduced her to the group and they all accepted her as on of our best friends. D and I go way back. Back to almost sunbeam and kindergarten times. We typically clashed because we both wanted to be in charge of things. We were both power hungry. And we're probably never going to be as close as we have been in the past ever again. Finally, E is probably the most innocent out of everyone. While being best friends with D, she played middle ground and didn't think I was a terrible person.
We were all (except for A) 16, me the most recent out of everyone. It was going to be the best year. Our year. We were going to go to all the football games, and cheer for our crushes on the field. We were all going to get asked to homecoming and go together in a huge group and do the funnest things together after the dance. We were going to have sleep overs every weekend. We would stay up on the phone late at night, just talking - and this is where I got in trouble. This is where I hurt the person who means the most to me on this planet. I hurt A. I was talking on the phone with C, and the Sadies dance casually came up in conversation. I didn't know who I was going to ask. I don't even remember how it was logical, but it was. I was scared of rejection, so I was going to ask someone so smart and so quiet that they couldn't say no to me. This happened to be A's crush. And I told C I was going to ask him to Sadies. The next day, it was a friday, and I had gotten to the cafeteria first for lunch, and it was always a fight to get a table and then get enough chairs for your group, so I wrestled together 6 chairs and placed my belongings on them. I waited. 5 minutes had gone by, the cafeteria was getting crowded, and people were asking me for my chairs. I would tell them, "No, my friends are coming, sorry." and then look at my phone. 10 minutes. People were just trying to take my chairs now instead of asking. Then I saw A and D together through the windows. They looked in, and then walked away. I risked using my minutes and calling them. And got rejected every time. I didn't know what I had done wrong, but this was every 16 year old girl's nightmare. After 5 more minutes, I just got up and left, threw my lunch away, and ran to the bathroom. I had completely lost my appetite and felt sick. I felt like I was going to die.
I spent the next few months making odd friends, rekindling older friendships that didn't believe the same things I did about life and my future. I was broken, and I just needed some friends to be the glue to hold me together. My home life was terrible. My school life was just as bad. And then I had no social life. I stayed home every football game. I didn't get asked to homecoming. I stayed home and read my history textbooks and did my homework. I had left my window open, and at around 11 at night, my... friends were forking my lawn and toilet papering my house (badly, sorry guys, but you sucked.) and I stuck my head out and saw them running away.
There were times where I would call one of them, just wanting to feel something other than the hate I had felt when the good thing of my life was taken away. I wanted that happy back. I wanted the good back. And most the time, they'd ignore me. And I'd drop the phone on the floor next to my bed and I would lay there, and I wouldn't feel anything. I would just stare at my wall and not think. But on the occasion they would answer, they would be on a group call already, and they would add me on, just for me to end up embarrassed, hurt, trying to defend myself, and more lost than I was before I dialed the number that lead to those feelings.
I would like to say that this was the darkest time of my life, but it wasn't. I was still hurt and confused. I didn't think what I did was wrong, but it was, and this is the punishment I was forced to face. When you're dealing with high school girls (or anyone was the XX chromosome) your life will be ruined.
I ended up turning to the wrong people. I will always love these people, that held me together, but they were the wrong people for me. I lost myself. I needed someone who held the same standards and beliefs I did, but even though I was at a school where were so many who believed the same thing I did, they didn't accept me. They had their friends and their clique, and I was the outcast. I knew they made fun of me behind my back. I knew they spread rumors about me. They made things just as bad for me as A, B, C, D, and E and their friends did. I lost hope in a lot of things. I couldn't make it through some days anymore, so I would leave school. I did that a lot. I ditched a lot. Mostly 5th and 6th period at the end of the day, and it became a habit. I was reckless.
I remember the first time I abandoned my faith for my first drink of alcohol. It was Z's birthday. (I'm referring to her as Z, her best friend as Y, her life long friend as X.) Y ended up coming with us, but then we set the alarm off at Z's dad's mansion, and she had to be home for work and left. X took us to her old apartment. Her and her fiance had just broke it off, and she had moved back in with her mom, her ex-fiance had moved out of the apartment. The complex must have not leased out their old place yet, and the locks hadn't been changed, and she still had her key. She had bought alcohol for Z's party, and we intended on drinking it. I remember Z had to go to brunch with her brother in the morning, so we went to X's mom's house and slept there, and me and X went to brunch by ourselves. She was so pretty, but she was broken, too. I don't remember what we talked about, but I hold her highly. We haven't spoken since, but she taught me to be myself that day. And after that talk, me and A made up, along with B and C. I hear that X is engaged again to someone better, and I'm so happy for her.
I wish that I could say that after making up with my friends things went back to normal, and that I lost my recklessness, but I didn't. Me, B, and C weren't 100% yet, and there wasn't hope for me and D. However, I was invited to weekend activities again, and they made things bearable, and I was starting to be put back together again. I still ate lunch alone mostly. Sometimes Z would be there. We would still ditch together. In the future, we would "party" together, and Z ended up teaching me about the world and what happens outside my bubble of faith and beliefs. I saw first hand what it's all about. And I'm so grateful that I have my faith and belief bubble.
My senior year, myself, A, B, and C were all friends. We had so much fun my senior year. D and I ended up getting into a fight ourselves, and I got outcasted again by her. It felt like the first time, but I still had A and C, thankfully. It felt like a lot of the first time it happened, D was the source of it and controlled it. I still don't know why she would have controlled all the hate against me the first time, when it didn't involve her, but some things I'll never know the answers to.
My life lesson for today is that girls are mean, ruthless creatures when you have "wronged" them in any way. I never thought my life would be like a spin off of Mean Girls. I never thought that I would end up like Cady Heron after Regina George blamed the burn book on her and the rest of the plastics. I'm sure that girls with similar stories never expected it, either. But... it happens. And I'm just lucky that I ended up with a happy ending. A is my very best friend, and this only brought us closer together. We didn't talk for 6 months. And while my young adult life has been hard with my parent's divorce and my childhood memories of abuse, and my father's purposely hurtful words, I think that those 6 months without her were my darkest.
A is married, and in June will have been married for a year. B recently celebrated her 2 year anniversary. C is living the 22 year old life, has a boyfriend, and is working at a school. I don't know much about D, but I know she's been seriously dating someone for over a year now in her college town. E will have been married for a year in May. I'm friends again with each of these girls, and D and I aren't that close, but I will still say she's a friend, as I'm working on this thing called forgiving and forgetting.
I'm 21 and working while dreaming of my sociology degree and wishing towards my future career in Child Protective Services. I have new best friends and a new circle. F, G, and H (letter names for my new 3 best friends) are exactly what I need in my life right now, and I never thought I would be so lucky. I never thought I would escape my 16 year old demons. But I did. Being a teenager is hard. Being a teenage outcast is even harder. I've been there. I've survived that. I actually survived that. When I was 16 I didn't think I would. But I did. And I hope that anyone going through anything remotely close to that knows that they can, too. Life, love, and friends all suck sometimes, but it's just a life lesson that you can get through it, and you can do anything.
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