The month of March

Hi. :) Spring break was okay, in case you were wondering. I didn't get to do exactly what I wanted, but it still went fine.

I loved this month, despite waking up early for school, which I only have to do for 7 1/2 more weeks, which sounds like a lot, but it's shorter than having to do it for 20 weeks.

Why did I love March so much? I love my ward family. They're my family now. It's amazing how that goes, actually. In January, I never thought I'd be this close to all these wonderful people, call them my best friends, and family.

There's the Kreimeyer clan. That's Ara, Brit, Mykii, Jansen, Calvin, Brandon, Rachel, and anyone else they bring in. Ara and Brit took me in the second they met me. They have a magnetism for befriending and loving people in need of it. Mykii is the coolest Asian you'll ever meet. Jansen is going to be the best doctor in the world. Calvin is silent, but when he talks it's hilarious. Brandon is the life of the party. Rachel has been through so much, and is the most assertive, wonderful person you could ever meet.

Then there's Paula, Jessica, Lindsey, and Dillon. Paula and I clicked instantly, it's like God brought her into this church right before I needed to meet her. Jessica is the sweetest, kindest woman, and is going to be an amazing mother. Lindsey loves everybody and is probably one of the most outgoing people I have ever met. Dillon is the shiz. Obviously the coolest guy around.

Now there's Emily, Cari, Heather, Kim, Joey, Billy, Andrew, and Mallory. This group of people is funny. Like.... funny. I don't think that there was a dull moment last night. It's like a group of toddlers getting together and not having any adults around. It's like everyone I come into contact with, I have a great relationship with. Emily and Cari are like the big sisters I always wanted and never got. Heather is the one that makes fun of them and makes me laugh.I just met Kim, and I like her already. She's the sweet in the mix of all the crazy. Joey is my best friend, he's a kind soul and a sweet spirit. Plus we're in the super secret club, so that's cool. Billy is my lover as of last night, and Mallory is like pretty princess.

I'm really glad I get to share these experiences with Haleigh and Erin. I get to bring two of my best friends along my journey!

I know why I was supposed to go to the Singles Ward. These people help me everyday with my trials. I wouldn't be strong enough without them. I wouldn't be able to deal with what my home life is like. The only reason I've been able to do it is all the sweet people who love me and don't judge me for what I've done wrong.

On a better/worse note: This semester IS GOING TO KILL ME. I never get enough sleep, and I'm getting bad headaches. I didn't get a lot of sleep before, but now my headaches are getting bad. I should probably get that checked out.

March has been a great month. Despite all the tears, the laughs have already been 10 fold, I can't even imagine what it's going to be like after the second coming.

I need to get my patriarchal blessing soon. I have my recommend, it's just a matter of getting it done. And you are all invited when I get it. :)

3 hours until Spring Break.

While I sit in the library, proof reading Mary's novels, waiting for class, I think to myself how she told me how I inspire her characters. While she was my Young Womens' leader, she was like a mother, and now she's like a sister, but I can't help but think that maybe I'm not the same girl she would picture when she wrote about certain characters.

Sure, I still want to devote my life to helping kids, I still love singing, and I still would do anything for my friends. I still love a lot of things, but as I read some of this, I notice how much I have really changed in the past few months alone. It started when Erin left for SUU. She was the last of my friends to leave for college while I stayed home for school because my family needed me. I didn't need social interaction before, but after this I just didn't really talk to anybody. I would sit in my room and read or watch movies. Then I got really into blogging on tumblr. It was the perfect venting system, and these people had the same sense of humor that I did, but though I could reveal some of my secrets and thoughts to them, they could never be the substitute for a sister.

But while all of this was going on, I realized somethings about myself:

• The Twilight Series is creepy. 
• Taylor Swift wines a lot, and none of her relationships work out.
• My past is going to help me be a better parent.
• I really don't like people. 
• I love all the things I've had passions for, but I haven't felt so good about a career path as I do now.
• I miss taking pictures.
• I like writing missionary letters. 
• I've grown up a lot. 

When I was a sophomore, New Moon had just been released. Not many people had read it or even knew what is was, and I got really into it. I would read the books all the time, and then when there was a movie coming out, I was so excited. But then when they released the cast, I was upset. The cast wasn't right. Then the movie sucked. There was no good part in the movie. That's when it started going down hill, then last summer, I reread the whole series... Edward is a creep you guys... he watches Bella while she sleeps... And how could Bella ever be a good rolemodel for a girl? She's willing to throw her life away for a guy, and not get a college education, never talk to her family again, and how could someone like that be a good rolemodel. That's not how life is now. Not all girls can just wait around for some rich guy to come around and get married. It don't work like that. 

Taylor Swift is annoying. I loved her songs when they first came out, but she's a broken record. And always "innocent". None of these break ups are ever her fault. 

I'm learning from my parents mistakes. It's going to make me a better person and parent. 

I really don't like people. Now when I say this, you're probably confused. I could live without social interaction. I could live under a rock and be totally fine with it. I just don't like people I don't know, but there's a few different types of people. The people I don't like are usually people who are rude and inconsiderate, people who are full of themselves, and people who are douche bags. 

I have wanted to be a singer, on broadway, a photographer, a political science professor at NYU, a high school history teacher, and a mom. Now I want to be a mom, just not for my own kids. I want to work for Child Protection Services. I want to save kids from mental, psychological, and physical abuse. I don't want another child to go through what I went through. 

I miss taking pictures. Enough said. 

I like writing missionary letters. 

I've grown up a lot since high school. I've had to. I have to act more like a mother and rolemodel than ever before. I wouldn't trade it for the world. 

I think it's time that I mention I've got myself an obsession

For the smell for the touch...
I know I've got myself a habit, but I have to have it now
don't care where, work it out, let me break it down...
I try it on, I take it off, so what you got?
Boots and Boys. They bring me so much joy.



It seems like Kesha's somewhat unknown songs can relate to me. This song, Blind, Dancing with Tears in my Eyes, Goodbye. It's funny to think she's a normal girl under all the glitter. She's really smart and has feelings. But let's get to the point, shall we? Boots. And. Boys. What is it with my head that makes me only want to think/do the following things: go shopping (particularly at Savers, H&M, Urby Outties, Target, Charlotte, Patty's Closet, and Ammy Appy.) boys (well, lately boy, but whatevs) what I'm going to with Erin that weekend, and eating my favorite food: Fresh and Easy's delicious $1.99 penne pasta bowl with creamy tomato sauce (seriously THE BOMB.)

I guess it's normal to think about this kind of stuff. I mean, this isn't all I think about. I think about my future a lot. How I can tweak my 10 year plan into something better every time I do. I think about how I'm going to raise the children I have, and how I can make them proud while they watch over me. I think about my mom; I wonder if her and I could ever have any kind of relationship ever again. I look at some people with their mom's... and it makes me want to cry that I never had that with my mom. I never had a mother who would let me curl up next to her on the couch and cry on her shoulder about a bad break up. I never had a mother who would talk to me about anything. I get jealous when I hear people say their mom is their best friend, and they can tell her anything, because I can't. I can't tell my mom anything without feeling like she's going to tell me it's stupid or use it against me. I want to be the opposite of her when I'm a mother. I want to be able to cuddle with my kids, and have my daughter or son cry on my shoulder when they have a bad breakup or have relationship problems period. I want them to have a mother they can look up to, and feel like they're loved, because feeling like your mother doesn't love or care about you is the worst feeling in the world.

I feel like I wouldn't be so guarded and worried all the time if I had some of her help when I started dating. Because of not having any help and watching my parents failing marriage, I've been terrified of the thought of being hurt. I used to tell myself when I was a kid, when my mom wouldn't do anything for me and my dad was working all the time, that when I got married, everything would be better. I would have a loving husband who would put his kids and family first, a worthy priesthood holder, and someone who could look past all my flaws and say they love me. I used to think to myself that my life was going to get better, and this was helping me prepare for being a better mother.

Lately, well, in the past 24 hours, I've been thinking of my past relationships and friends. I haven't had the best luck, but I was happy when I was with them. Two of my dearest friends just went through bad breakups, and for one it was her first. I look back at my first real relationship where I was in love, and I still hurt from it. I still want him back. In August, we'll have been broken up for 3 years. As of today, it has been 2 years, 7 months, and 3 days. I could tell you the hours. I could tell you the minutes. I could tell you how much I still love him. I could tell you how much I still care, but it won't change anything.

There's days where I'll stare at my phone and wait for him to call. Tell me he misses me. He told a mutual friend that he still cared about me and wanted to be there to protect me, be there for me... it makes me wonder why he didn't. I want him to be there. I want him to hold me again, even if it's not the same way as before. Just his touch...

There's also the boy who put me back together after he left. This boy was great for me. He went from being a friend, to a lover, to a best friend, but when I say best friend, I feel like Summer Finn in (500) Days. Tom loved her as a husband loves a wife. Would eventually marry her if he could. She loved him as a best friend, and married someone else. Our relationship is like (500). We were dating, but if something better were to come along, I might have left him. He wouldn't have left me.

We're going to go through hard times with boys, and boots will get old and fall apart, but my friendship is forever. I love you all♥