It’s weird how life works. Sometimes, you’re at rock bottom.
Sometimes, it’s so dark for so long, you give up hope that there’s a light at
the end of the tunnel. There was a long period of time where I was broken and I
never thought I would get better on my own. I always thought that someone would
have to help me up. I was waiting for someone to save me. I was waiting for
someone to put my life back together for me, because I didn’t know what to do.
I was what I thought was broken beyond repair. I didn’t know who I was or what
I stood for. I didn’t know what I even wanted out of my life anymore. I just
wanted someone to take away all my pain.
During 2012, 2013, and the beginning of 2014, if you asked
me what my favorite year was, I would say 2011. It was the year I began finding
out who I truly was going to become. It was the year that I spent time with my
best friend and other close friends before they met the loves of their lives.
And for a long time, I saw 2012 as the year I got left behind. Sure, I still
had so many amazing friends who helped me through that year, but I still felt
like the world was passing me by. Then I met someone to stand still with. I had
great times with them, and I had terrible times. But in the end, the lessons I
learned from their love and their cruelty shaped me into the independent person
I am, and the person I continue to grow to be.
A year ago, I hit my rock bottom, and it was terrifying. I had never felt so lost and so alone. The people I had surrounded myself with had abandoned me. Someone I had been in love with had left me. Someone I considered family ruined my life. And that’s what it took for me. It took someone ruining my life for me to begin my journey.
I didn’t think much of myself before. I had a job that gave me 4 days a week. I had a social life. I liked to go dancing. That was pretty much all I would do. I didn’t hate it either. I was super content with how my life was. And then everything happened at once. I didn’t go out anymore. I stopped going to church, because every time I went, I was alone, and everyone would stare at me like I did something terrible, and I found out later one, they thought I did terrible things. They thought I was suicidal. They thought I was abusive. I was a social pariah. I couldn’t spend time with anyone who knew the person who ruined everything, because they were always around. They were always whispering in someone’s ear and laughing. They took everything. They took my friends. They took the places I would go. They took my life.
Even if I was a pariah, there were still people who went out of their way to be nice to me. Being Christ-like and wonderful truly helped me feel safe when I made the decision that I needed to go to church for my relationship with God, not for friendships. Even though I wanted to go, I felt like I couldn’t go, because of the whispers and dirty looks. But then one day, I woke up, and decided to go. For me. Even though the best year of my life had passed, and my friends had moved on, it didn’t mean I couldn’t improve my life. It didn’t mean I couldn’t progress, too. So I woke up and changed my life.
I got a promotion. I started going to church on my terms. I went to parties and activities. I made new friends. I was becoming my own person. I saved my money and bought my own car in my name with no help. I wasn’t relying on my parents anymore, or even friends. I was going places by myself. I was going to church for my relationship with God, and I was making my own friends and being looked up to. And this was just the middle of 2014.
I began my journey towards recovering my endowment. The special gift from my Heavenly Father was always something that I thought I would get when I would get married. I always thought of it as a wedding gift from my Father. But as I studied more and went to the temple to do family names more, it became something more. It became something I needed to do. I needed to become as close with my Heavenly Father as possible and do his work. I needed to do the work for those who has passed. I needed this deep spiritual connection. The closer I got, the happier I was getting. I was so, genuinely happy, that I knew that everything that I was doing was right. I was spending time with others who were helping me along my journey and uplifting my spirits. I just said it, but I’ll say it again: I did everything right.
Today, November 20, 2014, I am the happiest I have ever
been. I am single. I am employed. I am endowed. I have been endowed for 2
months today. I have amazing friends who love me and accept me and will never
hurt me like I’ve been hurt in the past. I am independent. I am strong. I am
brave. I’m not scared of being hurt, because it is going to take more than what
anyone has to bring me down. I have everything I didn’t even know I wanted. I
didn’t need someone to give this to me. I worked for it myself. I am so proud
of the woman I’ve become, and I’m never going to stop improving. My happiness
is a part of me that I will never lose. It is who I’ve always meant to be. And
I’m only going to become happier as my life goes on. And I hope that anyone who
reads this wants to share my happiness with me, because everyone deserves to
feel like this.
