Sometimes, this is what is on my mind.

Well, I have to be up in... 5 hours to get ready for work. My eyes are wide open with no sign of getting heavy soon, and my heart, well, I don't know what it's doing.

I don't know exactly what made me want to write about this, but here I am, writing.

I'm writing about marriage.

I was engaged once. He was my third relationship, but I really try not to count the first two second relationship I was in. But I was in love with Donald Patrick Liebold. He made me melt like a popsicle on the Fourth of July. I loved him more than I could ever imagine loving anyone. We were together for almost exactly 2 and a half years. That's a really long time. That's pretty much the amount of time one would spend in Law School and study for The Bar if you didn't could summer breaks. That's enough time to let someone become your whole world.

Close your eyes. Now open them real fast and keep reading. Imagine a nice daisy. Imagine it growing out of the grass in someone's yard. You think it's so pretty that you want it. You want to keep it. For yourself or to give to a pretty girl or something. (I don't know what boys do with flowers?) You take it home, and you put it on the table. This flower, this daisy, begins to wilt over a few hours. Then the petals slowly begin to drop, one by one. Then you realize your pretty daisy is dead because you took away its life source, and your table isn't its matching life source.

Sometimes, when I think of Don, I think of that. Sure. Don's still around. We still talk. He still exists. He's well, and he's moved on as I have. But he's not mine anymore. When the daisy was taken from its home, it didn't belong to you. But you wanted it so bad.

Now, I'm not saying that someone took Don, or that I took him from someone. I'm saying that I, as much as I wanted to be, wasn't going to be the best home for him. I wasn't going to be his matching life source. I wasn't going to be his matching anything. We would fight a lot. Whenever the other didn't like something the other one did. But I still loved him. I loved that boy more than I loved anything. I was compromising to be with him. I was going to end up giving up my family, friends, life, and religion.

But I learned so much. I learned exactly what I don't want in my future marriage.

I don't believe in divorce. I've been in the middle of one and it tore me apart. Sometimes I still cry when I think about it. Because I am not currently going to be with my family forever. Not unless I plan on doing temple work when I can. (Which I do.) But what if something happens to me and I can't do it? Who will do it. Who will take the time to seal a broken family back together? Who will make one of my only dreams come true?

Sometimes it all really hits me. My parents won't be able to see me get married. My daddy won't be there. My mommy won't be able to help me get into my wedding dress or fix my hair. Neither of them will be there to wipe away the tears of happiness I'll have when I get to be sealed together for time and all eternity with the man I will marry someday. (Because, let's get real: TEMPLE MARRIAGE OR PEACE.)

I'm not going to put my future children in the same position I'm in. I'm still so upset for myself that I potentially gave my children a similar position, let alone a harder one. A Catholic father and a Mormon mother. Who would go to church with who? What would they believe? How do people in that position deal with that? Deal with the guilt of not giving your children a chance to be with you forever? I could never live with that.

I know one day that I will marry a worth priesthood holder in The Holy House of The Lord. My Lord. And that our children will never have to worry about all the "what if's" that I grew up with in my mind.

Donald: There is always going to be this place for you in my heart. Not the same kind of place as before, but a place of love and friendship. In ways, I consider you one of the best friends I've ever had. You did care about what I had to say. You cared about me. You loved me for who I was and how weird I was. (I still am. Whatever.) I listened to our song today. I got the biggest smile on my face, because that song holds some happy memories. But I can't take your hand anymore. You're not mine. You and Samantha (I still find that ironic.) are going to have a wonderful life together, and I am so happy for you! You deserve happiness, and I knew that I would never be able to make you as happy as someone else. Good luck <3

Future Husband: The wait will be worth it. I'm sure I'll love you immensely and that you're absolutely perfect for me, and all the decisions I'm making now are for us <3 I can't wait to finally meet you.

Stronger

I couldn't think of a more appropriate title for this blog entry. This entry isn't about you. It isn't about him. It isn't about her. It's about me. It's about how I've grown from who I've been and how I continue to grow into a not a completely different person, but someone who I never thought that I could be.

When I think about the girl I was when I was 18 years old, I didn't really like myself. I had no self confidence. I was in a relationship, and I had been with him for a year at this point in my life. I really loved him, and I kind of regret it. I could have been doing other things. I could have been dating other people. I would probably still have a friend that I lost over him. Maybe my dad wouldn't be so overprotective when it comes to guys I date if I didn't spend all that time on him. Everything I did revolved around him. If I ever did something that didn't revolve around him, we would fight. I don't want to dwell on that anymore. I don't need to, because that is my past.

I think about who I was at 19. I was just starting the life that I have now. I broke up with the one constant in my life. The only comfortable thing in my life. The only person I could see myself with for the rest of my life, but that was it. I wouldn't be able to be with him forever.

Well, I was shy, but I usually am really shy until you get to know me. But then, I feel like I found myself in the Royal Mesa Ward. I found the funny, happy person I am today. I've made friendships I never thought possible, and I've made memories I never thought I would or could ever make. I've done things and been places I never thought I would go.

Next, I grew into a 20 year old woman, and I found myself growing. Evolving. Making a turn into someone I always dreamed of being. Someone confident and fun. Someone who could have someone's attention. I had friends! I would go on dates! I would do things with new people. I found myself making spontaneous trips to Utah with a ward I had never spent a minute in, and ended up bonding with them and making new friendships I never expected. I lived with a roommate for a period of time, and learned how hard it is, and though it's nice, there's nothing like coming home to your loving family and being welcomed back. Especially at 20 years old when you have no idea what you're doing and no idea to where you're going with your life.

I've been on so many crazy adventures, and I've met so many amazing people, bonding with them and making amazing friendships. As I begin my 21st year of life, I am already so excited and ready to keep going in the direction I'm going with my life. I know that I'm on the right path, and that The Lord will continue to bless me as I follow his commandments and live righteously. I can never thank him enough for this amazing life I'm living.

Thank you, Heavenly Father, for loving me enough to let me live in this amazing world. I love you.