I try not to let it get me. That little green monster inside of my head. The one that whispers hateful words and attacks what I try not to think about. I am insecure, even though a lot of times I try putting on my confidence mask. I feel like I'll never be good enough to be friends with people. I feel like I'm not pretty and I'm too fat to be seen with pretty and skinny people in public.
Every girl, even if they're a size 4 and are gorgeous, thinks the exact same way as me, even if I don't think that they should. It hurts me when they say they're ugly and fat, when I look in the mirror and see nothing but ugly features and a fat body. If they see themselves the same way, then what the hell does that make me? Do they keep me around because I make them feel better about themselves? Sometimes it feels exactly like that. Like I'm the friend they call when they need an ego boost. I know that it's not true, but that little green monster always whispers things like that in my ear.
I think that's why I like giving compliments. In my head, when I give someone else a compliment, their little green monster fades. But sometimes, I feel like I could be doing the opposite, because in my head, the monster gets bigger and tells me that they're lying. That's why I don't like getting them, because then it stays in the back of my mind. I have a reason for thinking like this. I had a friend when I was in seventh and eighth grade. Her name was Heather. She would lie to me, giving me "compliments" and kept me around to make herself feel better. When she had prettier, skinnier friends around, she would ditch me and say she didn't like me or want to be my friend. I didn't have any real friends in middle school. I was the stereotypical awkward girl who had no friends and ate lunch alone, sat in class alone, did projects alone, and when someone was nice to me, it was because they felt bad for me, and it was completely fake, and when Heather was around, it was nice to have someone there to talk to. It felt nice to feel normal and like I was important to someone.
Everybody has insecurities. I have plenty. I'm insecure about my voice, my weight, my looks, my personality. I'm insecure about everything, really. I wake up every morning, and I just have to try to be confident. I fake it until I make it. That's the only think you can do.
I know that nobody is perfect, and that we will all see flaws in ourselves, but we need to love ourselves, too. If you don't love yourself, then who would love you? (Even though that sounds so horrible.)
It's time to fake it until you make it. It's time to start loving ourselves. It's time to push that green monster out of our heads. It's time to fight against our insecurities and be truly confident. It's time to be beautiful.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
Just another unnecessary blog post.
Right now, I have so many things on my mind, and it's driving me crazy, so I'm going to start out how I just watched the third installment of The Chronicles of Narnia, and I always end up crying at the end when Aslan tells Lucy and Edmund that they can never come back to Narnia. I understand that their place isn't in Narnia, it's in the real world, but they're the High King and Queen of effing Narnia! But I'm excited for The Silver Chair, if they're going to film it.
Next is: I've been biting my tongue, but I'm super annoyed with facebook. First they ruin chat for me. I had everyone that didn't annoy me in their own chat group that was always on, then people who were a bad influence on my life, but I still wanted to be friends with in a different group that I would turn on once in a while, then the people I've met through the singles ward which was usually on, and then people I couldn't stand, had blocked from my feed, and forgot about in a group I kept hidden and off. Then they do this stupid subscription crap, and now with their new newsfeed, I'm just annoyed. I'll get used to it. It's really not a big deal, because I stopped using facebook a lot after they corrupted chat, but it goes along with the quote: "If it's not broke, don't fix it." /endrant.
I've been meaning to blog about this for a while, but I keep forgetting. So for my final in english spring semester, my teacher didn't believe in final exams, so we wrote a paper, and she was still required to grade us on something else, so we had to put together a mini-lesson about a song that happened to be important to us, and my name got drawn to go on the first day to present. Naturally, a song had come to mind right away - "Gravity" by Sara Bareilles. I've had past experiences that made me think of this song, and I don't think there's a person out there who knows how important and what a large place it holds in my heart.
So, as I walk up, and prepare to youtube my song so everyone could hear it, I asked my professor if I could sing it as well. I can count on one hand the solos I've sang in my life, the last one being when I was probably 17. Despite being in choir for years and years, I had never been "good" enough for a solo, and not to toot my own horn, but I was usually better than the soloist. But it was never my decision, and as I watched my classmates and friends get solos, I was happy for them, because I knew I would probably be too nervous to sing a solo since I'm terrible at public speaking. Anyway: my professor said that I could sing it, and she seemed a little uneasy about it. I explained my song, and why I wanted to sing the first 90 seconds. I got lost in it while I was singing, and I ended up singing the whole song. Then something happened that I wasn't expecting. I got applause. They were clapping for me(at 9:45 in the morning). My professor told me that was the most unorthodox lessons she's ever had, but one of the best live performances she had ever heard. I remember walking out of the class as soon as I could and crying. Singing that song was not only me having the courage to sing in front of people, but it was me having the courage to sing a song that meant so much to me because of my experiences. I was so happy and proud of myself. It meant so much to me to be able to do that.
But now that I think about it, that song doesn't always have to be referring to a bad relationship between a boyfriend and a girlfriend, but between friends. There's those friends that are addicting in a bad way. They're good people, but not good people for you. Lately, I feel like I have one of those in my life. I really don't want to talk about this friend and their decisions, but their actions and decisions have helped me realize who my true friends are. The real people that I can always go to when I need them.
I think that this is why I really don't like girls. Some of them think with romance rather than with love. They will be the girls to throw you under a bus for not just a guy, but for them. They want the now comfort of a boy whether he's a nice guy or a tool, because it makes them feel better to have a boyfriend, rather than girls who would drop everything for you.
Speaking about boyfriends: I'm not kidding. Everyone is getting into relationships, getting engaged, or getting married. It's almost disgusting. I thought about it, and I only have 4 close friends not in relationships. Sure, I have a few other friends that aren't, but it seems like everyone is dating someone now! (and I'm SO happy for all of them!!!) It just reminds me that I'm forever alone. And that's okay, because I know that Heavenly Father loves me♥
It's funny how I can go from talking about Narnia to how everyone has caught the love bug, but there's seriously either a new relationship or engagement twice a week. And I'm tired about talking about relationships on my blog, because I miss posting funny story blogs. I feel like I've lost my funny mojo. I feel like the funniest story I can tell is how Erin and I act when we're just being real, and it's just us, and we let go of trying to be normal and that's not appropriate for my blog. At all. Those stories are kept in private because they're straight up embarrassing...but I miss being able to be funny on my blog instead of write about boys and what I want. In due time the funny blogs will come back!
Next is: I've been biting my tongue, but I'm super annoyed with facebook. First they ruin chat for me. I had everyone that didn't annoy me in their own chat group that was always on, then people who were a bad influence on my life, but I still wanted to be friends with in a different group that I would turn on once in a while, then the people I've met through the singles ward which was usually on, and then people I couldn't stand, had blocked from my feed, and forgot about in a group I kept hidden and off. Then they do this stupid subscription crap, and now with their new newsfeed, I'm just annoyed. I'll get used to it. It's really not a big deal, because I stopped using facebook a lot after they corrupted chat, but it goes along with the quote: "If it's not broke, don't fix it." /endrant.
I've been meaning to blog about this for a while, but I keep forgetting. So for my final in english spring semester, my teacher didn't believe in final exams, so we wrote a paper, and she was still required to grade us on something else, so we had to put together a mini-lesson about a song that happened to be important to us, and my name got drawn to go on the first day to present. Naturally, a song had come to mind right away - "Gravity" by Sara Bareilles. I've had past experiences that made me think of this song, and I don't think there's a person out there who knows how important and what a large place it holds in my heart.
So, as I walk up, and prepare to youtube my song so everyone could hear it, I asked my professor if I could sing it as well. I can count on one hand the solos I've sang in my life, the last one being when I was probably 17. Despite being in choir for years and years, I had never been "good" enough for a solo, and not to toot my own horn, but I was usually better than the soloist. But it was never my decision, and as I watched my classmates and friends get solos, I was happy for them, because I knew I would probably be too nervous to sing a solo since I'm terrible at public speaking. Anyway: my professor said that I could sing it, and she seemed a little uneasy about it. I explained my song, and why I wanted to sing the first 90 seconds. I got lost in it while I was singing, and I ended up singing the whole song. Then something happened that I wasn't expecting. I got applause. They were clapping for me(at 9:45 in the morning). My professor told me that was the most unorthodox lessons she's ever had, but one of the best live performances she had ever heard. I remember walking out of the class as soon as I could and crying. Singing that song was not only me having the courage to sing in front of people, but it was me having the courage to sing a song that meant so much to me because of my experiences. I was so happy and proud of myself. It meant so much to me to be able to do that.
But now that I think about it, that song doesn't always have to be referring to a bad relationship between a boyfriend and a girlfriend, but between friends. There's those friends that are addicting in a bad way. They're good people, but not good people for you. Lately, I feel like I have one of those in my life. I really don't want to talk about this friend and their decisions, but their actions and decisions have helped me realize who my true friends are. The real people that I can always go to when I need them.
I think that this is why I really don't like girls. Some of them think with romance rather than with love. They will be the girls to throw you under a bus for not just a guy, but for them. They want the now comfort of a boy whether he's a nice guy or a tool, because it makes them feel better to have a boyfriend, rather than girls who would drop everything for you.
Speaking about boyfriends: I'm not kidding. Everyone is getting into relationships, getting engaged, or getting married. It's almost disgusting. I thought about it, and I only have 4 close friends not in relationships. Sure, I have a few other friends that aren't, but it seems like everyone is dating someone now! (and I'm SO happy for all of them!!!) It just reminds me that I'm forever alone. And that's okay, because I know that Heavenly Father loves me♥
It's funny how I can go from talking about Narnia to how everyone has caught the love bug, but there's seriously either a new relationship or engagement twice a week. And I'm tired about talking about relationships on my blog, because I miss posting funny story blogs. I feel like I've lost my funny mojo. I feel like the funniest story I can tell is how Erin and I act when we're just being real, and it's just us, and we let go of trying to be normal and that's not appropriate for my blog. At all. Those stories are kept in private because they're straight up embarrassing...but I miss being able to be funny on my blog instead of write about boys and what I want. In due time the funny blogs will come back!
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
A very long blog post that is very unnecessary.
Ten things about me that you probably didn't know:
- I'm obsessed with anything from the 50's and 60's. I like old things. I like old dresses, books, songs, stories, telephones, radios, movies, newspapers, jewelry, and pictures.
- I hate wearing shoes. I wish that society accepted that I would rather do everything barefoot. I mean, I drive barefoot, play (some) sports barefoot, walk around outside barefoot, sit in the library barefoot. I love looking at shoes, but would rather just be barefoot.
- I don't like most candy. I hate gummy candy unless it's sour patch kids or something of that variety. I like chocolate sometimes. I'm picky. I would rather have something salty or cheesy.
- I don't like The Twilight Saga. I did when I was in high school. I read it before it was cool to read it. I liked it until I was very disappointed with the first film, then I re read the series during the 2010 summer and realized the following: Edward is creepy, Bella is a horrible rolemodel, and Stephenie made Jacob and Edward pedophiles.
- I don't like being mean, and apparently, when I'm telling my dog she's being bad and that she's naughty, I sound too happy and that I don't have a mean voice, meaning I will never be able to discipline my children. They're going to laugh at me and tell me, "Shut up, mom."
- Divorce will never be an option for me in my marriage. The statistics on marriage are very heartbreaking, 1 in 2 end in divorce. The 6% LDS divorce rate helps, but it still isn't an option. My parents are divorced, and so are my mom's parents. Divorce literally destroyed mine and my mothers relationship. I won't do that to my children or anybody. Nobody deserves to have to go through the pain that a divorce causes.
- I really like models. I don't know why. I just do. I have a few favorite models, actually. Abbey Lee Kershaw is one. She's from Australia, and is all sorts of beautiful. But lately she's looking sick/anorexic. :(
- I get asked "why are you still single" and "why aren't you married yet" a lot. I mean... seriously? I'm just 20 years old.
I was in an off and on relationship for almost 2 and a half years. I had been in an 8 month relationship before that. I'm still learning about myself and what I want in an Eternal Companion. - I've been told I have guts. I'm not afraid to do something crazy, but if it comes to a certain guy, I will be scared of them and will freeze up. I can talk to anyone normally, but you know I have true feelings for you if I can't even look at you.
- I want to work for Child Protective Services after graduation.
So, now that you know some new facts about me that you probably wouldn't have gotten from stalking my facebook, here's a Samantha life update:
Coming back home from one of the best weekends of my life left me confused, in a haze, and writing in my notebook like a mad person. I'm 20 years old, and I would like to be a few years older or at least act like it. I want to have more goals than just "get my degree". Lately, I've been contemplating out of my fathers house. I love him and my family, but I want to start being me and preparing to have my own family rather than being treated like a child in a family when I want to be treated like an adult. I don't want to ask if I can stay out on a weekend night. I don't want to have to ask to go out of town with friends. That seems a bit ridiculous for a 20 year old, doesn't it?
After listening to a voicemail from a relative (wishing me happy birthday), I was making more lists. In the voicemail, they asked me, "Sami Sue, are you dating? Do you have a boyfriend? Are you going to get engaged? I'm sure that a pretty, funny girl like you has to have caught some RM's eye." I can not make this up. Any of my normal, sane friends family members would have ended it at dating, and even if they did go on, they probably wouldn't have referred to a boy as a return missionary. How do I call this family member back and go, "Oh, no, I mean, I have been dating since I transferred my records, but I don't have a boyfriend, family member. I'm probably not getting engaged in the near future, and I'm not that pretty or funny. I'm sorry if you were in the mood to go to a wedding reception or wait outside the temple and take pictures while you wait, probably in the Las Vegas heat. In fact, I think I'm one of those girls who gets married in Heaven. One of my favorite camp leaders hasn't been married, and she's one of the prettiest, funniest people I've met. She's doing great and I love her to pieces. Just because I'm a young, LDS single adult doesn't mean I'm getting married next week, family member. I haven't really caught anybody's eye. A lot of guys look for the pretty, skinny girls, in case you didn't know that, and I'm neither, so I'm always just going to be friends with any guy I meet, basically." But that would be rude, and I'm trying to do this new thing where I'm not rude to people who love me. Even though I'd be telling them the truth. So I'll probably just end up saying (and pray that they don't read this) "Oh, I've went out a few guys. I have a lot of new friends that are return missionaries, but I haven't really caught anyone's eye, yet. I'll let you know when I do." And I'll completely ignore the fact that they're fooled into thinking that I'm pretty and funny. I'm not going to tell them about the guy who tried to kiss me after one date and then asked other girls to go hot tubing with him, and then after being with a girl for a month, break up with her and ask me on a date the same night. I'm definitely going to tell them about the most awkward first date I ever went on because of my nerves and how I still like the guy a lot, even though he's not available for me to like and I feel bad that I do. I like the boy a lot, blog readers. I thought I didn't, but I do. I mean, I didn't even like him until after he asked me on a date. It was obvious that I did like him, and I hate that I got so nervous. My friends that I trust most and told them about this say that they could see us together, and I don't want them to think that. I don't want to like you. I don't want to be that girl who has this huge crush on a guy who has a girlfriend. I mean, it could kind of end up like 16 Candles where Josh hates his girlfriend and how big of a skanky whore she is, and run off to Samantha and be waiting for her outside of the church at her sister's wedding. Now, of course I don't have a sister getting married, my grandparents don't have a chinese exchange student named Long Duck Dong, I'm not 16 and in high school, my parents did not forget my birthday, his girlfriend (from what I can creep) is not a skanky whore(and I don't think he has low standards), and I don't have a weird freshman obsessed with me asking for my underwear that I know of. My life isn't a John Hughes movie, the Rat Pack isn't in it, Molly and John aren't in it, and I don't have a cute, romantic, heart warming ending. If anything, my life is one of the parody movies based off of a John Hughes, or really any teen, movie, and I'm the weird extra that they make to weird crap in the background, that even though it's hilarious, nobody ever sees because they're focused on what they're focused to be focusing on, and if they do notice, I become a weird facebook fan page that everyone makes fun of.
I think that the worst part about all of this is, he's not the only guy I think I like. I think I like two others, and that makes me feel really bad. I would rather only really like one guy, and then think a bunch of other guys are good looking than like 3 guys and think someone else is good looking. And the part that's even worse is I know that I have no chance with any of them.
I know that my Heavenly Father has a plan for me. I'm probably not the right place for my future husband or vice versa. I'm terrified of marriage. I don't think I'm ready. It's not the commitment, I can do commitments, it's the fear of not being able to be enough of a grown up for them. I see friends of mine get married and I'm amazed at how they do it. How they can transition into married life so quickly and be so happy. Their engagement is always so short. I want my engagement to be longer than 5 months. It just doesn't seem normal to me to be engaged for 2 months. 2 months is really realistic when you think about it. Satan will do everything to bring you into temptation as soon as the ring hits your finger so you don't make it to the temple. He is so jealous that can't stand two people making the commitment to become one in the temple, and sealed for time and all eternity because he can not have what we have. We are so lucky to live in a day and age where it is possible to do this. I'm so excited for the day I can meet my brothers and sisters in Heaven, and when they ask who was/were my prophet(s), I get to say Gordon B. Hinkley and Thomas S. Monson were my prophets. We were saved for this time, and we all accepted the plans that God has for us. We're living the plans we accepted every day. Some of us will have harder plans than others, but that's because our Father in Heaven KNEW that we could handle it.
Some of us will have a hard time getting married. A lot of girls blame the guys. Well, they feel the same way. I don't feel so alone when it comes to this anymore. In fact, reading a note on facebook called "The rants of a young disgruntled white mormon" I came to realize that guys feel the exact same way that I do! Turns out that they think all the girls fall for douche bags, and we think all the guys fall for, well, skanks. (And if you think my language is harsh, you know that all us girls think that in our heads. And I apologize if anyone thinks I'm talking about them. I promise I'm not!)
In this day and age, dating is weird. Myself and my best friend Erin talked about this with our Bishop (Who is the best bishop EVER) earlier this evening, and he doesn't really like it either. It was so easy to talk about it though. Not a lot of dates actually happen and the church doesn't really like it.
Girls don't really like it either. We LIKE going on dates. The best dates are the most simple ones where all you do is talk and have fun. Like getting some ice cream and walking around a nice area and talk. The best dates are simple and cheap. We don't like you blowing your money on us, especially on a first, second, or third date (if it gets that far). My least favorite date was mini golfing and a movie. It was SO nice of him to plan it like that, but I hate movie dates. They're stupid! The point of a date when you're just beginning to date is get to know them, not try to hold their hand in a dark movie theater with a scary movie playing. (Get serious. UGH.) But my favorite date was with a guy I had sat next to in a class all semester long, at Neilson's just talking about what we wanted to do with our lives. (But if we're nervous we don't talk.)
The date that I had expected the most out of was one of the most awkward first dates I've ever had. I was excited. This guy was new to me. I had met him a few times at soccer, and at a few parties and my game night, and we were going to go on a date. Naturally, I was nervous. Well, we had to reschedule twice, and finally, almost 2 weeks later, it was the day. I had finished my english paper hours earlier, and we were going. I couldn't function. My brain had stopped. I could hardly say a full sentence without feeling like a moron. Luckily, it's all in the past, and I'm still friends with this guy, and I'm glad it worked out the way that it did. You can't ever have too many friends (with super nice cars they just bought that make me want to drool. Oh, yes, I'm talking about you and your silver beamer.) not that I'm using you for my dream car. You're an awesome person, sir. :)
Now, I am bringing this long, unnecessary blog post to a close.
Life rocks. I love everything. I'm getting my Patriarchal Blessing soon. That's cool. I'm obsessed with Australia and hope to live there soon for nanny work. I have awesome friends and an awesome ward. I love other wards and their awesome people too and all the cool new people I met last weekend. (Another blog for another day.)
If you read all of this, you deserve a freaking medal. It took me two days to write. You are a champion.
xoxo- Samantha.
Some of us will have a hard time getting married. A lot of girls blame the guys. Well, they feel the same way. I don't feel so alone when it comes to this anymore. In fact, reading a note on facebook called "The rants of a young disgruntled white mormon" I came to realize that guys feel the exact same way that I do! Turns out that they think all the girls fall for douche bags, and we think all the guys fall for, well, skanks. (And if you think my language is harsh, you know that all us girls think that in our heads. And I apologize if anyone thinks I'm talking about them. I promise I'm not!)
In this day and age, dating is weird. Myself and my best friend Erin talked about this with our Bishop (Who is the best bishop EVER) earlier this evening, and he doesn't really like it either. It was so easy to talk about it though. Not a lot of dates actually happen and the church doesn't really like it.
Girls don't really like it either. We LIKE going on dates. The best dates are the most simple ones where all you do is talk and have fun. Like getting some ice cream and walking around a nice area and talk. The best dates are simple and cheap. We don't like you blowing your money on us, especially on a first, second, or third date (if it gets that far). My least favorite date was mini golfing and a movie. It was SO nice of him to plan it like that, but I hate movie dates. They're stupid! The point of a date when you're just beginning to date is get to know them, not try to hold their hand in a dark movie theater with a scary movie playing. (Get serious. UGH.) But my favorite date was with a guy I had sat next to in a class all semester long, at Neilson's just talking about what we wanted to do with our lives. (But if we're nervous we don't talk.)
The date that I had expected the most out of was one of the most awkward first dates I've ever had. I was excited. This guy was new to me. I had met him a few times at soccer, and at a few parties and my game night, and we were going to go on a date. Naturally, I was nervous. Well, we had to reschedule twice, and finally, almost 2 weeks later, it was the day. I had finished my english paper hours earlier, and we were going. I couldn't function. My brain had stopped. I could hardly say a full sentence without feeling like a moron. Luckily, it's all in the past, and I'm still friends with this guy, and I'm glad it worked out the way that it did. You can't ever have too many friends (with super nice cars they just bought that make me want to drool. Oh, yes, I'm talking about you and your silver beamer.) not that I'm using you for my dream car. You're an awesome person, sir. :)
Now, I am bringing this long, unnecessary blog post to a close.
Life rocks. I love everything. I'm getting my Patriarchal Blessing soon. That's cool. I'm obsessed with Australia and hope to live there soon for nanny work. I have awesome friends and an awesome ward. I love other wards and their awesome people too and all the cool new people I met last weekend. (Another blog for another day.)
If you read all of this, you deserve a freaking medal. It took me two days to write. You are a champion.
xoxo- Samantha.
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