Happiness

It’s weird how life works. Sometimes, you’re at rock bottom. Sometimes, it’s so dark for so long, you give up hope that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. There was a long period of time where I was broken and I never thought I would get better on my own. I always thought that someone would have to help me up. I was waiting for someone to save me. I was waiting for someone to put my life back together for me, because I didn’t know what to do. I was what I thought was broken beyond repair. I didn’t know who I was or what I stood for. I didn’t know what I even wanted out of my life anymore. I just wanted someone to take away all my pain.

During 2012, 2013, and the beginning of 2014, if you asked me what my favorite year was, I would say 2011. It was the year I began finding out who I truly was going to become. It was the year that I spent time with my best friend and other close friends before they met the loves of their lives. And for a long time, I saw 2012 as the year I got left behind. Sure, I still had so many amazing friends who helped me through that year, but I still felt like the world was passing me by. Then I met someone to stand still with. I had great times with them, and I had terrible times. But in the end, the lessons I learned from their love and their cruelty shaped me into the independent person I am, and the person I continue to grow to be.

A year ago, I hit my rock bottom, and it was terrifying. I had never felt so lost and so alone. The people I had surrounded myself with had abandoned me. Someone I had been in love with had left me. Someone I considered family ruined my life. And that’s what it took for me. It took someone ruining my life for me to begin my journey.

I didn’t think much of myself before. I had a job that gave me 4 days a week. I had a social life. I liked to go dancing. That was pretty much all I would do. I didn’t hate it either. I was super content with how my life was. And then everything happened at once. I didn’t go out anymore. I stopped going to church, because every time I went, I was alone, and everyone would stare at me like I did something terrible, and I found out later one, they thought I did terrible things. They thought I was suicidal. They thought I was abusive. I was a social pariah. I couldn’t spend time with anyone who knew the person who ruined everything, because they were always around. They were always whispering in someone’s ear and laughing. They took everything. They took my friends. They took the places I would go. They took my life.

Even if I was a pariah, there were still people who went out of their way to be nice to me. Being Christ-like and wonderful truly helped me feel safe when I made the decision that I needed to go to church for my relationship with God, not for friendships. Even though I wanted to go, I felt like I couldn’t go, because of the whispers and dirty looks. But then one day, I woke up, and decided to go. For me. Even though the best year of my life had passed, and my friends had moved on, it didn’t mean I couldn’t improve my life. It didn’t mean I couldn’t progress, too. So I woke up and changed my life.

I got a promotion. I started going to church on my terms. I went to parties and activities. I made new friends. I was becoming my own person. I saved my money and bought my own car in my name with no help. I wasn’t relying on my parents anymore, or even friends. I was going places by myself. I was going to church for my relationship with God, and I was making my own friends and being looked up to. And this was just the middle of 2014.

I began my journey towards recovering my endowment. The special gift from my Heavenly Father was always something that I thought I would get when I would get married. I always thought of it as a wedding gift from my Father. But as I studied more and went to the temple to do family names more, it became something more. It became something I needed to do. I needed to become as close with my Heavenly Father as possible and do his work. I needed to do the work for those who has passed. I needed this deep spiritual connection. The closer I got, the happier I was getting. I was so, genuinely happy, that I knew that everything that I was doing was right. I was spending time with others who were helping me along my journey and uplifting my spirits. I just said it, but I’ll say it again: I did everything right.

Today, November 20, 2014, I am the happiest I have ever been. I am single. I am employed. I am endowed. I have been endowed for 2 months today. I have amazing friends who love me and accept me and will never hurt me like I’ve been hurt in the past. I am independent. I am strong. I am brave. I’m not scared of being hurt, because it is going to take more than what anyone has to bring me down. I have everything I didn’t even know I wanted. I didn’t need someone to give this to me. I worked for it myself. I am so proud of the woman I’ve become, and I’m never going to stop improving. My happiness is a part of me that I will never lose. It is who I’ve always meant to be. And I’m only going to become happier as my life goes on. And I hope that anyone who reads this wants to share my happiness with me, because everyone deserves to feel like this. 

For the love of my life :)

To the man I'm going to marry:

First of all, I write a lot about falling in love and how I want it badly on my blog. Well, it's my blog, and you're what I want, so you should be flattered. Second, I'm so sorry I'm not ready for you yet. I know you're probably super annoyed that I'm not ready for you yet, but you deserve perfection: and while I will never be a perfect person, I plan on being the perfect person for you. I plan on being your other half. I plan on being the person who will give you all the pepperoni off my pizza. I plan on being the person who will ask where the bathroom is when you need to go, but are too stubborn to ask for directions. I plan on being the person who will drop everything and bring you a sandwich if you forgot your lunch and don't want to eat some fast food junk. I plan on being your eternal companion, who will be on your side and in your corner always. I plan on being the person who help you fight your battles and will help you overcome any obstacle in your way.

I can't believe I've been so annoying and selfish. I've wanted you for years. To be honest, I've wanted you since I was 14. I've changed my mind a lot about who I've wanted you to be. That was my problem. I always had my mind made up about someone. "This one is the one this time." is something I have said at least 5 times in the past 4 years alone. That is not the mindset I should have about you. I can't be thinking that you're a specific person. I mean, you are a specific person, but I shouldn't have a specific person in my head when preparing myself for you, because if I keep doing that, I will never be ready for you.

The men that I have wanted to be you have been a few different men. Sometimes, these men are fantastic, wonderful, outstanding members of society. Sometimes, these men are douche bags who think they're hot stuff (you are, by the way) and that's something I need to be staying away from. I need to stop with this mentality that I have. I haven't thought this way since the last one who broke my heart, because I put him up on a pedestal that was yours. But I have thought that way most my adult life, and while people have told me to stop getting my hopes up, I did it anyway, and it has left my heart broken every. single. time.

Babe, there are super hard days that I have without you. Even though every day we go through without each other is another day closer to when we'll be with each other forever, it feels like it's another day farther and farther away and that you're never going to come, because that's all I've ever known. The heart break of knowing I still am not good enough for someone, when that is all I could ever want. I want to be so good for you that you don't want to spend another day without me. I want you to miss me before I'm gone. I need you to see me, and only see forever with me. Because, I know that when I know for sure that you're the one, I'm only going to be able to see forever with you.

There have been other men that I have loved. There have been other men that I thought I was in love with. There have been men that I so badly wanted to be able to feel like I could at least fall in love with them, because it was an easy way to get what I wanted: a husband.

Sometimes, when it's really late at night, and I feel inspired to write my feelings (and I have a lot of feelings and drafts that I can't get the write words out because I have too many feelings and I don't know where to start) that's when I miss you the most. I know, it's so silly! I miss you so much already, and I've never had you. How can you miss something you've never had? How can you miss a love you still have yet to receive? I bet you think I long for you, rather than miss you. No. I feel like you only long for things you'll never have. And I know that I will not only have you, but you will have me.

I dream about you. You don't have a face in these dreams, but let me tell you what: these are the most beautiful dreams that anyone could ever have. In these dreams, we'll have everything I ever wanted in a family. Family Home Evening, Family Prayer, and Family Scripture Study (all capitalized to visually show their importance to me) aren't just looked forward to, but enjoyed. We support each other and our children. We'll have our ups and downs, just like any and every marriage, but at the end of the day, we love each other, and we remember we made promises and covenants to not just each other, but with our Father, who wants us to succeed and come back to him.

I can't wait to fall in love with you. I know you're going to be well worth the wait, because you're the one.

I'm ready

I can’t sleep.
It’s not that I’m not tired, but it’s that when I wake up you won’t be next to me.

I don’t want to live another day without you. I want to wake up in the morning, and as gentle and lightly as I can, trace the outline of you. Use my fingers to trace your fingers, your hands, your face, your chest. I want the butterflies to bounce off the walls within my heart when your eyes flutter open. I want your face to soften into an easy smile when you see I’m still next to you, and that I’m not a dream. 

I want to go grocery shopping with you. Laugh as we stroll down an aisle with our cart at nothing in particular. And as we cook the food we bought, I want to be able to play with you and the food. I want to make memories and make us food.

The thought of sitting on a couch with you, while you lay your head in my lap and I read a book is possibly one of the most beautiful thoughts I’ve ever had. I can practically feel myself absentmindedly running my fingers through your locks of hair, in a way that can put you to sleep.

I want to fall into bed with you every night, laughing over something funny that had happened to us earlier that day. I want to end the day the way it started. I want to hold your face, as our bodies tangle together, and I never want to let you go. I want your eyes to look into mine, because I know that any time our gaze meets, I’ll fall in love with you over and over again, and what better way to end the day and start my dreams than falling in love with you.  

Dad.

Do you remember when I was 4 or 5 years old? We lived in the white house off Main Street next to the bakery in Lehi? Jake, the boy my age across the street was riding his bike without training wheels, so I had to learn how to ride my bike without training wheels, too? So I kept you outside all day so I could learn? Do you remember?

Do you remember all those trips to Kanab, when we would take out the four wheelers with Grandpa and Uncle Randy and Uncle Kevin? I would always have to ride with you on your four wheeler. I would cry and pout if I had to ride with anyone else. Do you remember?

Do you remember my senior year when I had to make my senior book full of essays on my life I wrote for english, and you helped me put it together the night before it was due? Do you remember?

Do you remember my first major boyfriend that broke my heart? How angry you were that he hurt me? And how you forbid me from talking to him or dating him ever again because he wasn't good enough for me? Do you remember?

Do you remember when we stuck together during the divorce? Do you remember?

Do you remember when I saw those emails from "untrue" and you told me it was my mother setting you up to try to break you and Tina up? Do you remember?

Do you remember how you lied to me yesterday about Bethany, thinking I wouldn't find out? Do you remember?

Do you remember how I used to look up to you so much? How I used to want to marry someone as hardworking, relentless, and resilient as you? Or even just be like you?
Dad, I'm your little girl. I'm supposed to look up to you in every way. You're supposed to be the first man I ever love and you're supposed to guide me through life as much as you can, to guide me into becoming someone better. I used to want to end up with someone like you. Someone who will love me like you loved Tina. Someone who is as hardworking, relentless, and resilient as you. But now I could never let myself end up with someone like you. Of course, I want to end up with someone hardworking, relentless, and resilient like you. But now I can't be with someone who reminds me of you.

Why would you do this? Why did you think this was okay? That woman that walked away yesterday was better than most people in this world, and I know you know that. You're never going to get her back. She wasn't just the woman you put a ring on. She was a mother to myself and Clayton. She helped me and Clayton with so much. She was that motherly figure we needed in our lives. She was a good example of what hard work gets you in life. You both are, but you lost her. But that wasn't the only thing you lost.
You lost my respect, too.

To the woman who kissed my father:

Dear Bethany,

I've never met you, and I hope I never get that displeasure. I don't know if my father ever told you about me, but from the screencaptures of the iMessages between you and my dear old pops, you knew about my 10 year old step brother. And if you knew about him, you knew about my step mom. 

Affairs happen. I'm not an idiot. It's almost a part of our adult culture to take what we want, whether we are in relationships with other people. I don't know the whole story. I know that I have suspected my father of cheating for almost a year and a half. When I confronted him, he accused my mother of setting him up, trying to ruin his relationship with Tina, his fiancée, in case you forgot he was engaged and their 5 year anniversary was coming up. I had all the evidence. I needed to go in the old family email and saw all these emails from a dating website called "untrue". Of course I did a search by sender, and found all the emails. And want to know where that registration email was kept? In his personal folder. If my mother had tried to set him up, why would he put the registration email for a dating website revolving around affairs in his personal folder? 

I also know that he lied to me yesterday. He lied about you to protect himself. Bethany - my father told me that you came onto him and kissed him. And that it was just that. A kiss. It could be true, expect all last week he was coming home late. Around 1, 2 am. I had called him early on in the week, and he had told me is was "working" and would be working late. And I believed him. 

Why would you think that these actions were okay? Who the hell do you think you are is more of my main concern. We were a family, you know. Before Tina came in the picture, we were broken. The divorce had ripped us all apart. But she put us back together. And of course there were times when I would butt heads with her, but that woman is more of a woman than you ever will be. She is true to herself, she is independent, she is loving, she works hard, and she is one of the most giving people to ever be a part of my life. There would be times where we couldn't stand each other and she would still help me if I needed help. When my body was shutting down when I had a staph infection, and I couldn't afford my antibiotics, pain killers, and bandages to wrap up my knee, she paid for everything! And even after she saw the messages between you two and heard my father's lies, she still told me and my brother that she loved us, and if we need anything, all we have to do is text or call her and she will be there for us. Her sister and brother-in-law also reached out to us. Those are good people. Those are people who love their family, They don't destroy families. They don't ruin lives or relationships.

I don't date much. I don't have a boyfriend. But I still know the basic human rules of dating. And the first damn rule is don't go after someone who is taken, even if they go after you. I couldn't care less if they're what you want. You don't do that.

Listen, Bethany. I don't know who is more at fault here. You or my father. I am so upset and angry that I can't tell. But honestly, you both are equally to blame in my eyes. He shouldn't have been looking. He shouldn't have acted on anything. But neither should you. You shouldn't have accepted any advances. You knew. You. Knew. You shouldn't have advanced on him.

And if you two do pursue this: once a cheater, always a cheater. Remember that.

xoxo, Samantha.

I don't want another heartbreak. I don't want another mistake.

Well, friends. It's time for another hopeless romantic post!

The last guy I went on a date with and I were texting about a month ago. He asked me what I was looking for. I think we always think about what we want. It's always something in the back of our minds. We want someone attractive. We want someone funny. We want someone well off. We want someone smart. We want the whole package - we want that trophy. There's no denying it. It's what we as humans are attracted to. So, while I sat on my bedroom floor, my mind distracted from the show on Netflix on my laptop, I tried to separate what I wanted from what I needed. 

Now, before you judge me too hard, this is just my list of wants: 

Of course I want my own piece of arm candy - someone physically out of my league. I want someone more attractive than any of my ex boyfriends. Any of the men that didn't want me. I wanted to prove to them I was worth more than what they thought I was when they saw me. When they saw us. I think everyone is that way. They want to win the break up or prove they're the better person. 

And of course I want someone funny. We all want someone who is funny. Laughing is my favorite activity. Everyone is more attractive to me when they're laughing or smiling. Everyone has a beautiful way about them with they genuinely laugh or genuinely smile. Happiness is the most beautiful thing in the world. At least is it to me. I want to make someone truly happy. I want to be the reason they're laughing or smiling. The thought of bringing pure joy to someone's life is something that truly makes me happy for the future. For my future. For our future together. 

I think being well off is something we care about. We live in a world that money is image and image is everything to a lot of people. What you drive, where you live, where you can go on vacation, what you can do on the weekend. As someone in their early 20s, I want to be successful and not have to worry about where rent money is going to come from or if I'll be able to pay my car payment, or even have enough gas to get me around before the next paycheck. But I have dreams of owning a boat before I own a home. I have a dream of having a nice, big backyard for my future kids. I have dreams of putting them through baseball and dance and whatever they want to play or do. I want opportunities for them. More opportunities than I ever had. 

And to top off the 'want' list: intelligence. Have you ever had those late night conversations with someone about anything and everything? Once, I was on a late night road trip, and while everyone else was asleep, I had been up with the driver talking about anything and everything to cross our minds. It was one of those conversations that you crave, or at least I do. I want to be able to lay in the grass and talk about life. I want to talk about what I want for my life, what I want to accomplish, who I want to be, and what I want for my family. I want to talk about political agendas and favorite books. I want to talk about that embarrassing story you heard from my best friend and tell you all about my awkward phase. I want to be able to talk to someone who can carry on an intellectual conversation. But these are all just wants.

The first thing I told this guy was that I need to be more than someone's wife, but their best friend. I need someone who will teach our children all about the gospel with me, and how important it is, but will also take them outside and play with them, show them the earth and how it was made just for us and how we need to love and appreciate it. I could not stress enough to him how important family is to me. Having an eternal family is my number two goal in life - right after being the Christ Like woman that not only my future husband and children deserve, but my Heavenly Father knows I can be. 

There were other things on that list I gave him. Like "must love dogs" and "watch Disney movies with me and then be able to watch nerd movies with me", and there were even things I didn't include in the list, like how I want someone who will kiss me on my forehead at night and tell me how much they love me, or just hold me when they know I need it. But the most important needs in my life are spiritual, because if we can nail those, everything else will fall into place. I have complete faith that my future husband will be perfect for me, and will have everything I need and more, and every day, I grow into the woman that is everything he could ever dream of and more. I can't wait until we get to have our forever. 

Turn and face the change.

I haven't wrote on my blog for a while. The last thing I wrote was a letter to myself, and I told myself not to quit. Turns out, that's hard. I want leave my life in Las Vegas. I want to move to Provo.

You know those life changing events, or vacations, or weekends? I had one. It isn't like I haven't been in the Provo area before. It isn't like I haven't cried leaving Utah County before. It's like this every time. I go: I have an amazing time, and when it's time to leave, I don't want to go and I cry. Then I get back and for the next few days I'm nostalgic for Utah, and then I'm okay after I get back into my Las Vegas habits again.

This morning, in my bed in American Fork, Utah, I have never felt this feeling before. It was a feeling of dread and anxiety. I knew that I was leaving after having an amazing 2 day vacation in Utah. Never before had I wanted to call my dad and tell him I wasn't coming home. Tell one of my best friends I wasn't leaving with her. Call my boss and resign. Beg my grandparents to let me live there until I found another job/transferred to my company's location in Orem and was able to find my own apartment. The scariest thing is I almost did those things.

As I thought about it during the 6 hour drive, why this time? Why not last year when I had been there 2 weekends in a row and got to sit in the same room as the LDS General Authorities? Why not then? Sure, the thought was in my head. It's a beautiful place, and my family I never get to see is up there. My grandparents aren't getting any younger. Living expenses aren't as expensive as they are in Las Vegas. Those things had crossed my mind before.

Over the past few months, I have been maturing in different ways. I've been becoming a different person. It's taken a precedence in my life. Things like people close to me becoming pregnant, or even a pregnant person passing by gives me a glimpse of the future that I want. Thinking about having an eternal family of my own makes me want it more and more every day, and while I know I'm closer every day to my future eternal family, it seems so far. And leaving Utah County today felt like a large step backwards. The spirit I had felt while I was there this weekend was like none other. It was what I have been missing since my life started changing. It's what I needed to feel this weekend to answer my prayer of what I need to do next.

I left my heart in Utah County today. I left knowing that right now, that's where I need to be. Being there will help me spiritually and mentally. And waiting for this change, knowing that it will happen soon, is hard, because all I want is to be there now. To begin my new journey now. But part of growing up is ending things properly. Having to tie up loose ends, and I know that will take me until the summer at earliest. I just hope my heart doesn't lust after Las Vegas again, because Provo is where I want to be.