First of all, I write a lot about falling in love and how I want it badly on my blog. Well, it's my blog, and you're what I want, so you should be flattered. Second, I'm so sorry I'm not ready for you yet. I know you're probably super annoyed that I'm not ready for you yet, but you deserve perfection: and while I will never be a perfect person, I plan on being the perfect person for you. I plan on being your other half. I plan on being the person who will give you all the pepperoni off my pizza. I plan on being the person who will ask where the bathroom is when you need to go, but are too stubborn to ask for directions. I plan on being the person who will drop everything and bring you a sandwich if you forgot your lunch and don't want to eat some fast food junk. I plan on being your eternal companion, who will be on your side and in your corner always. I plan on being the person who help you fight your battles and will help you overcome any obstacle in your way.
I can't believe I've been so annoying and selfish. I've wanted you for years. To be honest, I've wanted you since I was 14. I've changed my mind a lot about who I've wanted you to be. That was my problem. I always had my mind made up about someone. "This one is the one this time." is something I have said at least 5 times in the past 4 years alone. That is not the mindset I should have about you. I can't be thinking that you're a specific person. I mean, you are a specific person, but I shouldn't have a specific person in my head when preparing myself for you, because if I keep doing that, I will never be ready for you.
The men that I have wanted to be you have been a few different men. Sometimes, these men are fantastic, wonderful, outstanding members of society. Sometimes, these men are douche bags who think they're hot stuff (you are, by the way) and that's something I need to be staying away from. I need to stop with this mentality that I have. I haven't thought this way since the last one who broke my heart, because I put him up on a pedestal that was yours. But I have thought that way most my adult life, and while people have told me to stop getting my hopes up, I did it anyway, and it has left my heart broken every. single. time.
Babe, there are super hard days that I have without you. Even though every day we go through without each other is another day closer to when we'll be with each other forever, it feels like it's another day farther and farther away and that you're never going to come, because that's all I've ever known. The heart break of knowing I still am not good enough for someone, when that is all I could ever want. I want to be so good for you that you don't want to spend another day without me. I want you to miss me before I'm gone. I need you to see me, and only see forever with me. Because, I know that when I know for sure that you're the one, I'm only going to be able to see forever with you.
There have been other men that I have loved. There have been other men that I thought I was in love with. There have been men that I so badly wanted to be able to feel like I could at least fall in love with them, because it was an easy way to get what I wanted: a husband.
Sometimes, when it's really late at night, and I feel inspired to write my feelings (and I have a lot of feelings and drafts that I can't get the write words out because I have too many feelings and I don't know where to start) that's when I miss you the most. I know, it's so silly! I miss you so much already, and I've never had you. How can you miss something you've never had? How can you miss a love you still have yet to receive? I bet you think I long for you, rather than miss you. No. I feel like you only long for things you'll never have. And I know that I will not only have you, but you will have me.
I dream about you. You don't have a face in these dreams, but let me tell you what: these are the most beautiful dreams that anyone could ever have. In these dreams, we'll have everything I ever wanted in a family. Family Home Evening, Family Prayer, and Family Scripture Study (all capitalized to visually show their importance to me) aren't just looked forward to, but enjoyed. We support each other and our children. We'll have our ups and downs, just like any and every marriage, but at the end of the day, we love each other, and we remember we made promises and covenants to not just each other, but with our Father, who wants us to succeed and come back to him.
I can't wait to fall in love with you. I know you're going to be well worth the wait, because you're the one.
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