Turn and face the change.

I haven't wrote on my blog for a while. The last thing I wrote was a letter to myself, and I told myself not to quit. Turns out, that's hard. I want leave my life in Las Vegas. I want to move to Provo.

You know those life changing events, or vacations, or weekends? I had one. It isn't like I haven't been in the Provo area before. It isn't like I haven't cried leaving Utah County before. It's like this every time. I go: I have an amazing time, and when it's time to leave, I don't want to go and I cry. Then I get back and for the next few days I'm nostalgic for Utah, and then I'm okay after I get back into my Las Vegas habits again.

This morning, in my bed in American Fork, Utah, I have never felt this feeling before. It was a feeling of dread and anxiety. I knew that I was leaving after having an amazing 2 day vacation in Utah. Never before had I wanted to call my dad and tell him I wasn't coming home. Tell one of my best friends I wasn't leaving with her. Call my boss and resign. Beg my grandparents to let me live there until I found another job/transferred to my company's location in Orem and was able to find my own apartment. The scariest thing is I almost did those things.

As I thought about it during the 6 hour drive, why this time? Why not last year when I had been there 2 weekends in a row and got to sit in the same room as the LDS General Authorities? Why not then? Sure, the thought was in my head. It's a beautiful place, and my family I never get to see is up there. My grandparents aren't getting any younger. Living expenses aren't as expensive as they are in Las Vegas. Those things had crossed my mind before.

Over the past few months, I have been maturing in different ways. I've been becoming a different person. It's taken a precedence in my life. Things like people close to me becoming pregnant, or even a pregnant person passing by gives me a glimpse of the future that I want. Thinking about having an eternal family of my own makes me want it more and more every day, and while I know I'm closer every day to my future eternal family, it seems so far. And leaving Utah County today felt like a large step backwards. The spirit I had felt while I was there this weekend was like none other. It was what I have been missing since my life started changing. It's what I needed to feel this weekend to answer my prayer of what I need to do next.

I left my heart in Utah County today. I left knowing that right now, that's where I need to be. Being there will help me spiritually and mentally. And waiting for this change, knowing that it will happen soon, is hard, because all I want is to be there now. To begin my new journey now. But part of growing up is ending things properly. Having to tie up loose ends, and I know that will take me until the summer at earliest. I just hope my heart doesn't lust after Las Vegas again, because Provo is where I want to be.