I just need a minute

I don't like getting close to boys and letting my guard down. I feel like this is an appropriate way to begin this blog. I know that every girl feels like this at some point in time. It's not fair that we have to feel like this, though. I know, believe me, I do, that God wouldn't put us through anything that we can't handle, but it's getting really hard. It's kind of sad that I'm only 19 years old and am ready to give up. I'm tired of getting hurt, especially when I told him that I've been cheated on and played. I didn't think he'd hurt me, and so I let my guard down. It took two weeks for me to get hurt. It's almost like a new record. I should've known better.

I don't think I can trust him for a long time. I've told him this. I feel bad, but I'm not going to put myself through anything that I've already been through again. I won't go through any of that. I refuse. It's kind of like a fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me, and the you is the male gender.

I'm going to embrace this though. I was going to tie myself down not even a month after I was ready to be single again. After I was over him. I'm going to be me, and date around. See what I like most. I don't need to be someone's girlfriend or get married right now. That would be silly. I at least want to be able to support myself before I jump into that kind of commitment. I would like to be either done with school or almost done with school and have a full time job before any of that. I don't want to feel like my husband is supporting the both of us and because I go to school full time, I can't help. I would just feel lazy and like a loser basically. I don't know how some couples do it. Like Chauncey and Jenni, the newest married couple I know! I have no idea how they do it. Sure, Chauncey is older, but Jenni is just a month older than me, goes to school, and works part time. What if they were to have a kid? How would they afford anything?

I have my wedding planned out as sad as that sounds. I have the perfect dress, the colors, the way I want everything decorated, the bridesmaid dresses, who my maid of honor and bridesmaids are, what flowers I want, everything except who the Groom is. I want to get proposed to in the winter in the snow, and married in the fall. October 25th to be exact. I don't know why I like that date, to me, it just seems like the perfect day to get married. But because I have all of this planned out, I will never get married, because that's karma.

Now, instead of sitting here in my self pity: I'm actually very happy besides all of this. I have great friends and a great life. Sure, things aren't great at home, but they don't need to be. I'm loving life. I love all my new friends and these new experiences. If I had known how happy I was going to be in the Royal Mesa Ward, I would've transferred my records right after graduation.

I love all the new people I'm meeting. Even though Haleigh and I have been amazing friends since high school, we're getting a lot closer now. I love all our new inside jokes and being an old woman with her. We're going to go on Say Yes To The Dress when she's going dress shopping, and her pee pill is secretly delicious.

I love Paula and Lindsey. I knew Lindsey before I even entered high school. I don't know if she remembered me, but I remembered her. And then I met Paula, and I'm very happy about these friendships. Paula and Lindsey are kind of like the big sisters I never had and always wanted. They're so funny, and always smiling.

I also love the Kreimeyer sisters, Ara and Brit. They are two of the funniest, thoughtful, amazing people. They're also like sisters, too. Ara welcomed me the very first time we talked, and I loved Brit from the moment we first talked. I don't think that my experiences would be the same without them.

Of course there's Jessica. She is actually in two wards. Her home ward and the singles ward. She's a primary teacher in her home ward and loves every minute of it. She has the sweetest spirit, and I look up to her.

There's my soccer players. Forbush, Angulo, Fletcher, Billy, Carly Richardson, Alyssa, and a lot of people that I don't know their names so I make up nicknames for them in my head, and it would be really embarrassing for me to post them on the internet.

There's also Mallory and Joey. I literately just met them, and we're totes already BFFs. We make a good team, take a good picture, and even though I steal Joey's phone for hours, he calls me his best friend, and we're in the super secret club, which it totally cool, because we're the most elite club in the Las Vegas area. Quite possibly the world.

And there's many others, like Carly Doty, Mykii, the lovely lady I visit teach, Bianca, and pretty much everybody who shows their face at Ara's house.

I love you all. You're the most amazing people, and I'm very grateful to have you in my life.